


Shadowed Superhero

by vega_voices



Series: Shadowed Superhero [1]
Category: Law and Order: Special Victims Unit
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-15
Updated: 2009-11-14
Packaged: 2017-10-19 19:07:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 27,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/204240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vega_voices/pseuds/vega_voices
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>She knows she’s scarred from her mother’s treatment and her father’s legacy. She knows she does the work she does because it allows her to save a part of her soul.  She knows that after feeling the rush of saving a victim, she could never go back to investigating mere homicides or robberies. She accepts her hero complex with pride.  Give her tights and a cape – she is Detective Benson, defender of the victims, the defenseless; everyone but herself.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_**Fic Post: Law and Order Special Victims Unit - Shadowed Superhero: Prologue**_  
 **Series:** Shadowed Superhero  
 **Prologue:** Cracks in the Armor  
 **Author:** [](http://vegawriters.livejournal.com/profile)[**vegawriters**](http://vegawriters.livejournal.com/)  
 **Fandom:** Law and Order: SVU  
 **Pairing:** Elliot/Olivia; Eventual Alex/Olivia  
 **Genre:** Case file/angst/romance  
 **Timeframe:** Post Zebras – Early Season 11  
 **Rating:** Adult (Eventually)  
 **A/N:** Many many thank you to my betas. They know this show better than I do.  
 **Disclaimer:** If Law and Order BELONGED to me, you think I’d be writing fic? So no. Dick Wolf and his crew own it all, I am just taking Elliot, Olivia, Fin, and others, out to play. Now, if Mr. Wolf is looking for someone to write his L &O novel tie-ins … I’m totally there. Just sayin.

 **Summary:** _She knows she’s scarred from her mother’s treatment and her father’s legacy. She knows she does the work she does because it allows her to save a part of her soul. She knows that after feeling the rush of saving a victim, she could never go back to investigating mere homicides or robberies. She accepts her hero complex with pride. Give her tights and a cape – she is Detective Benson, defender of the victims, the defenseless; everyone but herself._

***

 _But I felt in that moment that if ever a place were in need of a little magic … Old habits never die. And when you’ve once been in the business of granting wishes, the impulse never quite leaves you. And besides, the wind, the carnival wind, was still blowing, bringing with it the dim scene of grease and cotton candy and gunpowder, the hot sharp scents of the changing seasons, making the palms itch and the heart beat faster… for a time, then, we stay. For a time. Till the wind changes._  
From: _Chocolat_ by Joanne Harris

Stuff like this only happened to women on TV. On TV, beautiful actors cast as beautiful people would rush through a script that triggered only the worst of memories in less beautiful viewers. There would be a flash of the barely clothed body of the female victim. The honorable cops would line up, falling all over themselves to help her. To find out who did this to her. The female detective – there was always a female detective – would empathize while her broody, male partner would charge off into the sunset and find the killer or the rapist or the child molester. The hero would save the day.

But it was only on TV. On TV, the show moved on. The victims recovered.

It was the first time Kellen Ridgeland really understood the difference between reality and fiction.

She curled up in the corner of the holding cell, her arms clutched tightly around her, her legs aching. The cop leered down at her as he adjusted his uniform and left her, bleeding, with only her jacket as a blanket. “Get dressed,” he hissed. And then left her.

***

One night, on a roof top, he’d kissed her. Kissed her and held her and told her she was beautiful. Later, he’d kissed her and made love to her. One night, standing at Ground Zero, he’d slipped an arm around her waist, and told her he loved her. She’d believed it then. She still believed it. Even with so much between them and so much time passed since he’d made his choice, she still believed it.

Olivia Benson hated to admit there were moments she felt sorry for herself. Usually the feeling came on sharply; a glimpse of Elliot scooping his children into his arms, the sight of a mother playing with her children in the park, nights when her bed was cold and empty but still lingering with the scent of men and women who could do nothing to erase her mistakes and the scent of a man who would love her in any other world or the scent of a woman who still shied away from her, frightened to try again.

She knows she’s scarred from her mother’s alcoholism and her father’s legacy. She knows she does the work she does because it allows her to save a part of her soul. She knows that after feeling the rush of saving a victim, she could never go back to investigating mere homicides or robberies. She accepts her hero complex with pride. Give her tights and a cape – she is Detective Benson, defender of the victims, the defenseless; everyone but herself.

She knows it’s stupid to let herself feel that way. Hero complexes get cops killed. But she can’t help the surge of power when she dodges a bullet or grabs a perp before he (or she) can fight back. She’s playing with fire, but it’s something all cops do. If she didn’t spend her days on the line, daring the universe to kill her, she’d get her thrills racing down slick rock trails or jumping out of planes. The occasional scar from the occasional stitching up reminds her that she isn’t superhuman but doesn’t keep her from racing headfirst into danger. She’s a cop. It’s what she does.

But there are days, moments, brief seconds when she feels sorry for herself.

It wasn’t a full day at work unless Olivia had been forced to jump out of the way of some angry perp who, upon realizing his or her toy was being taken away, threw a temper tantrum aimed at her or Elliot. Usually, she ducked, as she had this time, but she hadn’t anticipated the ricochet of the broken plate up off the kitchen floor. So, her day was ending on a gurney in the ER, as a very cute, young nurse applied butterfly closures to the gash on her forehead –and flirted with her while he did so.

At first she’d dreaded turning forty, but she had to admit that being a cougar definitely had its advantages. What a thrill it would be, to take this young thing home and worship him even as he worshiped her. It would be cold and empty – two things she hated, yet reveled in, when it came to sex. Easier than letting herself get entangled.

“Hang in there one more minute, Detective Benson. The doctor will be back in to take a look and then we’ll get you out of here. I know it’s been a long day for you.”

“Thanks …” the shakiness in her voice had nothing to do with the length of her day but the adrenaline still coursing through her system. At least her reflexes were still top notch. An inch to the left and she’d be in surgery with a gouge in her temple rather than just needing some pain killers and a butterfly closure. If that guy had been able to get his hands on her, not even her gun would have protected her. Drugs and abusive personalities were always a scary combination.

“You set free yet?”

The voice came from behind her, next to the curtain, and she sighed, shaking her head and rubbing her eyes. The last remnants of her mascara came off on the heels of her hands. What the hell time was it anyway? She was tired. So tired. “Almost. Some last paperwork to sign I think. Why are you still here?”

“Because I am. I’ll drive you home.”

“Elliot, you don’t have to. I can catch a cab.”

“Shut up and let me help, would you?” They both chuckled and she nodded while scooting over on the gurney, allowing him space to sit. He took it, closer than was kosher for two platonic partners, and his breath flowed over her neck, bringing goose bumps to the surface. Too close, but she didn’t want him to move. She wanted him to take her home, to stay a little too late.

“You need to relax, Liv. The doctor’s going to come in here and think something else is wrong.”

What she needed was for Elliot to take two giant steps back. She needed time alone with her vibrator, that was what she needed. Eleven years partnered to the same man, she’d lost her taste for dating and casual sex barely compensated in the physical when she was having the most intense mental affair she could possibly hope for. But her walls were crumbling fast and she didn’t know how much longer she could pretend to not be the clichéd female partner chasing after the man she only thought she loved. She didn’t know how much longer she could forget those few weeks, when he’d been single and they’d given in and the sex hadn’t been as laden and terrifying as she always assumed it would be. Those weeks before Oregon and Dani. Before he’d told her he was going back to Kathy and then broken her heart by telling her that his wife, his ex-wife, was pregnant again.

But even Superman had his weakness and hers, without a doubt, was a brooding veteran with twenty strong years of police work under his belt. A man who knew her better than she knew herself, someone who always, always had her back, even when she disappointed him. A hardened man with callused hands who could kiss away any fear. Someone who was willing to sit up and sip wine and read from her favorite books and make love whispering passages in her ear. A husband of a patient wife and a father of beautiful children who would never forgive her if this time is was Elliot who left.

She couldn’t help but wonder whose opinion mattered more – Elliot, who loved her no matter what or Kathy, who was jealous and made no secret of the fact. Why was it so important for her to prove Kathy wrong when it was Kathy who was creating the self fulfilling prophesy of Elliot leaving? The more Kathy harassed Elliot about their relationship, the more Elliot pushed away.

The woman had been married to him for twenty years and she still thought nagging him and challenging his devotion to the family was the way to his heart?

But if Superman had a weakness, he also had a strength. She closed her eyes and sighed, willing her hormones to a tiny, cramped corner of her mind. She always got like this when she was sitting in an ER.

“What are you thinking about?” His breath whispered across her neck and she shivered into her sweatshirt. His sweatshirt. The shirt he kept in the back of the sedan that was assigned to them. The one that smelled like coffee and stakeouts and that scent of him that lingered in her bed, from the last time he’d been in her apartment, when he’d been fighting with Kathy and too tired to drive home and she’d steered his nearly unconscious form into her bedroom and tucked him in while nightmares of the case wracked him and she curled up on her couch and cried because comforting him the way she wanted to comfort him, the way they both needed comfort, was out of the current bounds of their relationship.

Sex with Elliot would be too full of memories, too desperate, too guilty. They would cling to each other but the baggage would never be far and it could turn so ugly, so dark. He needed Kathy and a life outside of his work in their dingy precinct room and she needed … to get over herself.

After all, it was what he’d told her when he went back to Kathy. At least, it had been what he meant.

 _I’m thinking about you,_ she wanted to tell him. _I’m thinking about how we need to get out of here and go back to my place and fall into bed and keep each other up all night. I’m wondering if you’d get jealous if I brought the flirting nurse home. Would you wonder if I’d been thinking of you the whole time? I’m thinking that I’m way too fucking old for this bullshit and that I should be past the days when my schoolgirl dreams about my partner interfere with my day._ Instead she shrugged. “I’m starting to wonder if I shouldn’t just rent a room at the hospital, we seem to be here so much.”

“Room 315,” he quipped. “It’s already part of my mortgage payments.”

Despite the frantic unspooling in her mind, Olivia laughed. “Good to know.” He put his hand on her back and she trembled, needing space. Nights like tonight it was the worst, when she knew he would take her home and make sure she had a beer and some pain killers and then leave her in her empty life while he went back to children who loved him and a wife who, despite her bitching, worshiped him. Tomorrow she would be fine. Tomorrow she would be seeing with a clear head and any of her lingering feelings for a man she couldn’t have would be put back in their place. She would once again be strong and confident and his proximity would do nothing for her but annoy her in a playful way. They’d again be best friends, knowing too much about each other, and he’d ask casually if she was dating and if he needed to run a more thorough background check than she had and she’d ask about the kids and her feelings from tonight would be a distant, distant memory.

“Liv, are you sure you’re okay? You’re still trembling.”

“Adrenaline, Elliot. That goon was huge and I’m lucky it was only a plate he threw.”

“Good point.”

His arm slid around her and she leaned back into his body, pretending, for just one minute, that he wasn’t there as her partner, as the guy who would take her home because she had no one else, but someone who still loved her.

***

  
One night, on a roof top, he’d kissed her. Kissed her and held her and told her she was beautiful. Later, he’d kissed her and made love to her. One night, standing at Ground Zero, he’d slipped an arm around her waist, and told her he loved her. He’d believed it then. He still believed it. Even with so much between them and so much time passed since he’d made his choice, he still believed it.

It was after one when he finally pulled into the driveway. Cutting the lights before they could shine into the house, Elliot sat, the engine idling, as he put his thoughts back into the safety deposit box in his brain. The box that held pictures of Olivia gasping his name as he moved inside of her, that held the sound of her voice reading to him as he sipped wine and massaged her feet. The box Kathy would always suspect, but never know about.

He knew he’d made the right choice. Kathy knew him as someone other than a cop. She knew him as a father and a husband and because of her the baggage didn’t come through the door quite as often as it could. But there were moments, like tonight, when he was holding Olivia and she was trembling, that he wanted to stay with her, that he wanted to be more than just Olivia partner but the man he’d been for her just a few years ago. When he’d seen that plate break and ricochet up into her skin, seen her hand grab for the wound and the blood pour through her fingers, his heart had stopped. She was fine, he knew she was fine, but subduing the man who had been abusing his wife and five-year-old son had been harder than he anticipated while he stared at Olivia and the superficial head wound that only looked worse than it was.

Thankfully, Fin had booked the guy while Munch took Olivia to the hospital and Elliot’s paperwork had been minimal and he’d been released to the wilderness of New York to go claim his partner and make sure she was really okay.

Had she known he watched that nurse flirt with her? Had she felt his jealousy radiating through the thin curtain until the little cub of a creature had gone off to fetch the doctor and given him a chance to sit and hold her like he once had. She’d blamed her trembling on adrenaline but he knew better. He knew the look on her face, knew she was back in her apartment that last time he’d spent the night, when he’d been fighting with Kathy and the case had drained him. Olivia had put him to bed and sat outside the door while nightmares plagued him and all he’d wanted was for her to come in and make love to him and chase the demons away. She’d cried that night, he knew.

He took some measure of pride in being the superhero. From his days in the marines through to when Maureen had first cried in his arms to when he rescued five year old victims from their abusive fathers, he clung to this job far longer than almost any veteran of it because he knew that he was giving these victims a hero. He alone was able to fend off the darkness in their lives for a while. He took the darkness on himself and channeled it into passion, into a driving devotion to rid the world of rapists and child molesters. Men and women born of the most vile poison who sought out the most vile predilections and he was able to save the prey from the predator.

But his gold plated armor was tarnished. St. George had slain the dragon, but at what cost? Elliot hit his knees every night, rosary in hand, praying for forgiveness for each life he had taken, for each soul he had found just a few moments too late. Each bead in each decade was a sin as yet repented, one that he would carry with him to the gates of heaven and only then would they be absolved. Most nights he knew, knew, he was not good enough, not saintly enough to escape the waiting room of purgatory let alone the pits of hell.

But Olivia knew he was good enough. She loved him not in spite of the darkness in his soul but because of it. She did not force him to leave the baggage behind because she carried her own so heavily that there were days when he could see her shoulders bend under the weight.

She deserved better than him.

He’d told her that, the night he’d confessed he was going back to Kathy. He hadn’t insulted her by making love to her first or by letting her down easily or apologizing for first breaking the news in a hospital corridor. He only wished she’d cried. At least, that she’d cried in front of him. He still wondered what it would have been like if it had not been Kathy who was pregnant but Olivia. For her, for that, he’d have transferred anywhere else. He’d have found a different way to be a hero. Instead, Elliot Stabler, Super-Cop and Wanna-Be-Super-Husband tried to fly with holes in his cape.

A light flicked on above him. The curtain moved.

Elliot stepped out of the car and headed inside.

 _tbc ..._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _They sheltered their daughter, gently supporting her, and he could only hope they would be as supportive as she struggled through the attack. He glanced back at his notes. She went to school with his kids. What if it was Dickie or Lizzie who had been sitting there next to Rita this morning? What would he have done?_

_**Fic Post: Law and Order Special Victims Unit - Shadowed Superhero: Prologue**_  
 **Series:** Shadowed Superhero  
 **Prologue:** Cracks in the Armor  
 **Author:** [](http://vegawriters.livejournal.com/profile)[**vegawriters**](http://vegawriters.livejournal.com/)  
 **Fandom:** Law and Order: SVU  
 **Pairing:** Elliot/Olivia; Eventual Alex/Olivia  
 **Genre:** Case file/angst/romance  
 **Timeframe:** Post Zebras – Early Season 11  
 **Rating:** Adult (Eventually)  
 **A/N:** Many many thank you to my betas. They know this show better than I do.  
 **Disclaimer:** If Law and Order BELONGED to me, you think I’d be writing fic? So no. Dick Wolf and his crew own it all, I am just taking Elliot, Olivia, Fin, and others, out to play. Now, if Mr. Wolf is looking for someone to write his L &O novel tie-ins … I’m totally there. Just sayin.

 **Summary:** _She knows she’s scarred from her mother’s treatment and her father’s legacy. She knows she does the work she does because it allows her to save a part of her soul. She knows that after feeling the rush of saving a victim, she could never go back to investigating mere homicides or robberies. She accepts her hero complex with pride. Give her tights and a cape – she is Detective Benson, defender of the victims, the defenseless; everyone but herself._

***

 _But I felt in that moment that if ever a place were in need of a little magic … Old habits never die. And when you’ve once been in the business of granting wishes, the impulse never quite leaves you. And besides, the wind, the carnival wind, was still blowing, bringing with it the dim scene of grease and cotton candy and gunpowder, the hot sharp scents of the changing seasons, making the palms itch and the heart beat faster… for a time, then, we stay. For a time. Till the wind changes._  
From: _Chocolat_ by Joanne Harris

Stuff like this only happened to women on TV. On TV, beautiful actors cast as beautiful people would rush through a script that triggered only the worst of memories in less beautiful viewers. There would be a flash of the barely clothed body of the female victim. The honorable cops would line up, falling all over themselves to help her. To find out who did this to her. The female detective – there was always a female detective – would empathize while her broody, male partner would charge off into the sunset and find the killer or the rapist or the child molester. The hero would save the day.

But it was only on TV. On TV, the show moved on. The victims recovered.

It was the first time Kellen Ridgeland really understood the difference between reality and fiction.

She curled up in the corner of the holding cell, her arms clutched tightly around her, her legs aching. The cop leered down at her as he adjusted his uniform and left her, bleeding, with only her jacket as a blanket. “Get dressed,” he hissed. And then left her.

***

One night, on a roof top, he’d kissed her. Kissed her and held her and told her she was beautiful. Later, he’d kissed her and made love to her. One night, standing at Ground Zero, he’d slipped an arm around her waist, and told her he loved her. She’d believed it then. She still believed it. Even with so much between them and so much time passed since he’d made his choice, she still believed it.

Olivia Benson hated to admit there were moments she felt sorry for herself. Usually the feeling came on sharply; a glimpse of Elliot scooping his children into his arms, the sight of a mother playing with her children in the park, nights when her bed was cold and empty but still lingering with the scent of men and women who could do nothing to erase her mistakes and the scent of a man who would love her in any other world or the scent of a woman who still shied away from her, frightened to try again.

She knows she’s scarred from her mother’s alcoholism and her father’s legacy. She knows she does the work she does because it allows her to save a part of her soul. She knows that after feeling the rush of saving a victim, she could never go back to investigating mere homicides or robberies. She accepts her hero complex with pride. Give her tights and a cape – she is Detective Benson, defender of the victims, the defenseless; everyone but herself.

She knows it’s stupid to let herself feel that way. Hero complexes get cops killed. But she can’t help the surge of power when she dodges a bullet or grabs a perp before he (or she) can fight back. She’s playing with fire, but it’s something all cops do. If she didn’t spend her days on the line, daring the universe to kill her, she’d get her thrills racing down slick rock trails or jumping out of planes. The occasional scar from the occasional stitching up reminds her that she isn’t superhuman but doesn’t keep her from racing headfirst into danger. She’s a cop. It’s what she does.

But there are days, moments, brief seconds when she feels sorry for herself.

It wasn’t a full day at work unless Olivia had been forced to jump out of the way of some angry perp who, upon realizing his or her toy was being taken away, threw a temper tantrum aimed at her or Elliot. Usually, she ducked, as she had this time, but she hadn’t anticipated the ricochet of the broken plate up off the kitchen floor. So, her day was ending on a gurney in the ER, as a very cute, young nurse applied butterfly closures to the gash on her forehead –and flirted with her while he did so.

At first she’d dreaded turning forty, but she had to admit that being a cougar definitely had its advantages. What a thrill it would be, to take this young thing home and worship him even as he worshiped her. It would be cold and empty – two things she hated, yet reveled in, when it came to sex. Easier than letting herself get entangled.

“Hang in there one more minute, Detective Benson. The doctor will be back in to take a look and then we’ll get you out of here. I know it’s been a long day for you.”

“Thanks …” the shakiness in her voice had nothing to do with the length of her day but the adrenaline still coursing through her system. At least her reflexes were still top notch. An inch to the left and she’d be in surgery with a gouge in her temple rather than just needing some pain killers and a butterfly closure. If that guy had been able to get his hands on her, not even her gun would have protected her. Drugs and abusive personalities were always a scary combination.

“You set free yet?”

The voice came from behind her, next to the curtain, and she sighed, shaking her head and rubbing her eyes. The last remnants of her mascara came off on the heels of her hands. What the hell time was it anyway? She was tired. So tired. “Almost. Some last paperwork to sign I think. Why are you still here?”

“Because I am. I’ll drive you home.”

“Elliot, you don’t have to. I can catch a cab.”

“Shut up and let me help, would you?” They both chuckled and she nodded while scooting over on the gurney, allowing him space to sit. He took it, closer than was kosher for two platonic partners, and his breath flowed over her neck, bringing goose bumps to the surface. Too close, but she didn’t want him to move. She wanted him to take her home, to stay a little too late.

“You need to relax, Liv. The doctor’s going to come in here and think something else is wrong.”

What she needed was for Elliot to take two giant steps back. She needed time alone with her vibrator, that was what she needed. Eleven years partnered to the same man, she’d lost her taste for dating and casual sex barely compensated in the physical when she was having the most intense mental affair she could possibly hope for. But her walls were crumbling fast and she didn’t know how much longer she could pretend to not be the clichéd female partner chasing after the man she only thought she loved. She didn’t know how much longer she could forget those few weeks, when he’d been single and they’d given in and the sex hadn’t been as laden and terrifying as she always assumed it would be. Those weeks before Oregon and Dani. Before he’d told her he was going back to Kathy and then broken her heart by telling her that his wife, his ex-wife, was pregnant again.

But even Superman had his weakness and hers, without a doubt, was a brooding veteran with twenty strong years of police work under his belt. A man who knew her better than she knew herself, someone who always, always had her back, even when she disappointed him. A hardened man with callused hands who could kiss away any fear. Someone who was willing to sit up and sip wine and read from her favorite books and make love whispering passages in her ear. A husband of a patient wife and a father of beautiful children who would never forgive her if this time is was Elliot who left.

She couldn’t help but wonder whose opinion mattered more – Elliot, who loved her no matter what or Kathy, who was jealous and made no secret of the fact. Why was it so important for her to prove Kathy wrong when it was Kathy who was creating the self fulfilling prophesy of Elliot leaving? The more Kathy harassed Elliot about their relationship, the more Elliot pushed away.

The woman had been married to him for twenty years and she still thought nagging him and challenging his devotion to the family was the way to his heart?

But if Superman had a weakness, he also had a strength. She closed her eyes and sighed, willing her hormones to a tiny, cramped corner of her mind. She always got like this when she was sitting in an ER.

“What are you thinking about?” His breath whispered across her neck and she shivered into her sweatshirt. His sweatshirt. The shirt he kept in the back of the sedan that was assigned to them. The one that smelled like coffee and stakeouts and that scent of him that lingered in her bed, from the last time he’d been in her apartment, when he’d been fighting with Kathy and too tired to drive home and she’d steered his nearly unconscious form into her bedroom and tucked him in while nightmares of the case wracked him and she curled up on her couch and cried because comforting him the way she wanted to comfort him, the way they both needed comfort, was out of the current bounds of their relationship.

Sex with Elliot would be too full of memories, too desperate, too guilty. They would cling to each other but the baggage would never be far and it could turn so ugly, so dark. He needed Kathy and a life outside of his work in their dingy precinct room and she needed … to get over herself.

After all, it was what he’d told her when he went back to Kathy. At least, it had been what he meant.

 _I’m thinking about you,_ she wanted to tell him. _I’m thinking about how we need to get out of here and go back to my place and fall into bed and keep each other up all night. I’m wondering if you’d get jealous if I brought the flirting nurse home. Would you wonder if I’d been thinking of you the whole time? I’m thinking that I’m way too fucking old for this bullshit and that I should be past the days when my schoolgirl dreams about my partner interfere with my day._ Instead she shrugged. “I’m starting to wonder if I shouldn’t just rent a room at the hospital, we seem to be here so much.”

“Room 315,” he quipped. “It’s already part of my mortgage payments.”

Despite the frantic unspooling in her mind, Olivia laughed. “Good to know.” He put his hand on her back and she trembled, needing space. Nights like tonight it was the worst, when she knew he would take her home and make sure she had a beer and some pain killers and then leave her in her empty life while he went back to children who loved him and a wife who, despite her bitching, worshiped him. Tomorrow she would be fine. Tomorrow she would be seeing with a clear head and any of her lingering feelings for a man she couldn’t have would be put back in their place. She would once again be strong and confident and his proximity would do nothing for her but annoy her in a playful way. They’d again be best friends, knowing too much about each other, and he’d ask casually if she was dating and if he needed to run a more thorough background check than she had and she’d ask about the kids and her feelings from tonight would be a distant, distant memory.

“Liv, are you sure you’re okay? You’re still trembling.”

“Adrenaline, Elliot. That goon was huge and I’m lucky it was only a plate he threw.”

“Good point.”

His arm slid around her and she leaned back into his body, pretending, for just one minute, that he wasn’t there as her partner, as the guy who would take her home because she had no one else, but someone who still loved her.

***

  
One night, on a roof top, he’d kissed her. Kissed her and held her and told her she was beautiful. Later, he’d kissed her and made love to her. One night, standing at Ground Zero, he’d slipped an arm around her waist, and told her he loved her. He’d believed it then. He still believed it. Even with so much between them and so much time passed since he’d made his choice, he still believed it.

It was after one when he finally pulled into the driveway. Cutting the lights before they could shine into the house, Elliot sat, the engine idling, as he put his thoughts back into the safety deposit box in his brain. The box that held pictures of Olivia gasping his name as he moved inside of her, that held the sound of her voice reading to him as he sipped wine and massaged her feet. The box Kathy would always suspect, but never know about.

He knew he’d made the right choice. Kathy knew him as someone other than a cop. She knew him as a father and a husband and because of her the baggage didn’t come through the door quite as often as it could. But there were moments, like tonight, when he was holding Olivia and she was trembling, that he wanted to stay with her, that he wanted to be more than just Olivia partner but the man he’d been for her just a few years ago. When he’d seen that plate break and ricochet up into her skin, seen her hand grab for the wound and the blood pour through her fingers, his heart had stopped. She was fine, he knew she was fine, but subduing the man who had been abusing his wife and five-year-old son had been harder than he anticipated while he stared at Olivia and the superficial head wound that only looked worse than it was.

Thankfully, Fin had booked the guy while Munch took Olivia to the hospital and Elliot’s paperwork had been minimal and he’d been released to the wilderness of New York to go claim his partner and make sure she was really okay.

Had she known he watched that nurse flirt with her? Had she felt his jealousy radiating through the thin curtain until the little cub of a creature had gone off to fetch the doctor and given him a chance to sit and hold her like he once had. She’d blamed her trembling on adrenaline but he knew better. He knew the look on her face, knew she was back in her apartment that last time he’d spent the night, when he’d been fighting with Kathy and the case had drained him. Olivia had put him to bed and sat outside the door while nightmares plagued him and all he’d wanted was for her to come in and make love to him and chase the demons away. She’d cried that night, he knew.

He took some measure of pride in being the superhero. From his days in the marines through to when Maureen had first cried in his arms to when he rescued five year old victims from their abusive fathers, he clung to this job far longer than almost any veteran of it because he knew that he was giving these victims a hero. He alone was able to fend off the darkness in their lives for a while. He took the darkness on himself and channeled it into passion, into a driving devotion to rid the world of rapists and child molesters. Men and women born of the most vile poison who sought out the most vile predilections and he was able to save the prey from the predator.

But his gold plated armor was tarnished. St. George had slain the dragon, but at what cost? Elliot hit his knees every night, rosary in hand, praying for forgiveness for each life he had taken, for each soul he had found just a few moments too late. Each bead in each decade was a sin as yet repented, one that he would carry with him to the gates of heaven and only then would they be absolved. Most nights he knew, knew, he was not good enough, not saintly enough to escape the waiting room of purgatory let alone the pits of hell.

But Olivia knew he was good enough. She loved him not in spite of the darkness in his soul but because of it. She did not force him to leave the baggage behind because she carried her own so heavily that there were days when he could see her shoulders bend under the weight.

She deserved better than him.

He’d told her that, the night he’d confessed he was going back to Kathy. He hadn’t insulted her by making love to her first or by letting her down easily or apologizing for first breaking the news in a hospital corridor. He only wished she’d cried. At least, that she’d cried in front of him. He still wondered what it would have been like if it had not been Kathy who was pregnant but Olivia. For her, for that, he’d have transferred anywhere else. He’d have found a different way to be a hero. Instead, Elliot Stabler, Super-Cop and Wanna-Be-Super-Husband tried to fly with holes in his cape.

A light flicked on above him. The curtain moved.

Elliot stepped out of the car and headed inside.

 _tbc ..._


	3. Fic Post: Law and Order Special Victims Unit - Shadowed Superhero: Chapter 2

_**Fic Post: Law and Order Special Victims Unit - Shadowed Superhero: Chapter 2**_  
 **Series:** Shadowed Superhero  
 **Chapter 2:** Upping the Ante  
 **Author:** [](http://vegawriters.livejournal.com/profile)[**vegawriters**](http://vegawriters.livejournal.com/)  
 **Fandom:** Law and Order: SVU  
 **Pairing:** Olivia/Elliot; Olivia/Alex; Elliot/Kathy  
 **Genre:** Case file/angst/romance  
 **Timeframe:** Post Zebras – Early Season 11  
 **Rating:** Adult  
 **A/N:** Many many thank you to my betas. They know this show better than I do. (2) This is NOT a crossover, but for Silk Stalkings fans, you should recognize one of the characters.  
 **Disclaimer:** If Law and Order BELONGED to me, you think I’d be writing fic? So no. Dick Wolf and his crew own it all, I am just taking Elliot, Olivia, Fin, and others, out to play. Now, if Mr. Wolf is looking for someone to write his L &O novel tie-ins … I’m totally there. Just sayin.

 _He wanted her to be both subject and object. Perhaps it was wrong (and unavoidable) to objectify female strangers, but shouldn’t every husband seek to objectify his wife at least once a day?_  
From: _Flight Patterns_ (Sherman Alexie)

“Hi, Liv.”

Olivia’s inner teenager piped up again, rolling her eyes and smirking as she drank in the sight of Alexandra Cabot in a pair of tight jeans and a black tank top. She’d hadn’t quite believed her ears when she heard Alex’s voice over the intercom. Now that she was standing in front of her, all she could think about was the last time Alex had been standing in her front door. It had been too fucking long. She wanted to grab the other woman and pull her close and forget about the past years and witness protection and Elliot and all the bullshit between them. “Hey.” The inner teen laughed at her inability to form a coherent thought.

Alex held up a paper bag, “You going to invite me in or do I get to eat all this in the hall?”

“Yeah, yeah.” She laughed and stepped back and watched Alex drink in the walls of an apartment she’d once spent more time in than her own. Nothing had changed. Nothing except for one small addition – the two of them at the Christmas party before Alex had disappeared. They’d been hanging onto each other and almost outed themselves in the process.

Alex picked up the picture and sighed. “I remember that night.”

“Me too.” Mostly she remembered the after-party; stumbling into Alex’s apartment and making love in the glow of the Christmas lights. It had been perfect. So perfect.

“I’m sorry, Olivia. I haven’t said it yet, but I’m sorry I never got in touch with you after I was released from witness protection. I should have but I kept chickening out. There’s no excuse.”

“Hey, I could have tracked you down too, you know,” she whispered. A few quick steps and she was standing behind Alex, her hands on her hips, her chin on her shoulder.

“Can I get corny and poetic?”

“Maybe.” They both chuckled.

“Is it too late …”

“For what?” Olivia pushed her slightly. She needed to hear it. Needed Alex to say it.

“For us to start over?”

Olivia’s heart broke. This just wasn’t fair. For years she’d wondered how she never managed to fall for the people who fell for her. Now, in perfect romance novel stylings, she had come to realize she’d never stopped loving either Alex or Elliot. Her inner teenager cackled and mocked her. “I don’t know, Lex,” she whispered, her chin still on Alex’s shoulder. “Let’s just … see what happens, okay?”

She felt, more than heard, the shuddering “Yeah” that emerged from Alex. She registered the picture being set down and the paper bag finding its way to the coffee table. But it still surprised her when Alex turned around and without stepping out of her arms, kissed her. The surprise lasted just long enough for her to gasp, for her mouth to part slightly, and Alex took full advantage of the situation. “I like the longer hair,” Alex whispered between kisses, her fingers tangled at the base of Olivia’s neck.

Olivia whimpered and grabbed Alex closer, her fingers digging into the other woman’s slender hips. Her hands slid around the waist of her jeans, dipping below to stroke along her hipbones. Ideas like taking time with each other, getting to know one another again, and the real reason Alex had come over tonight were lost under shirts that fell to floor. Olivia took charge of the kiss and walked Alex back toward the bedroom.

“I actually came over to talk to you before we did something stupid like this.” Alex groaned as Olivia knelt before her, tugging her jeans down her hips.

“Later, Lex. We’ll talk later.” Alex took the hint and leaned back, bracing herself on the bed. Olivia took advantage, pulling the scrap of lace Alex called underwear down her impossibly long legs before sliding one of those legs over her shoulder as she dove in. It had been far too long but she remembered everything. Everything. Like how when Alex arched her back, her entire body coiled like a cat ready to strike, how she always tasted faintly of vanilla, and how when she was about to come, her hips would freeze for a few seconds before slow trembles took over her whole body. She remembered how she had to be careful because Alex had a twinge in her hip that acted up when she spread her legs too wide and that her nipples were so sensitive they could be painful and that when she nibbled at her clit after she’d come, a whole new series of aftershocks would course through her lover until she begged for mercy.

“God …” Alex finally whimpered and Olivia pulled away, rising slowly over her. They sprawled on the bed together – Alex completely naked and Olivia still mostly clothed – and she ran her hands over Alex’s body, relearning everything. “I think I might have forgotten my name for a minute there.”

“You’re welcome,” Olivia leaned in and kissed her and they wrestled a bit; hands groping and Alex slipping Olivia out of her bra and loosening the button on her jeans. Long, graceful fingers slipped down, past the cotton of her underwear and tangled in her pubic hair. “Alex …” she started to protest, to let her know that reciprocation wasn’t necessary, but who was she kidding. It had been too damned long since Alex lingered over her, nipping at her breasts while those long, perfect fingers moved inside of her.

“Shut up and let me fuck you,” Alex whispered. Olivia meant to laugh, but Alex had already covered her lips with her own.

***

  
Olivia lingered in the doorway, a smile on her lips as she watched Alex rifle through the drawer that still belonged to her. “You never got rid of this stuff?” Alex asked, amazed.

“I couldn’t. I wanted to, believe me. Especially after you showed up after that case earlier this year, but I couldn’t. Anyway, only one other person ever had the luxury of having a drawer and well …”

Alex selected an NYPD t-shirt and some old lounge pants, pulling them up before she responded. “Anyone I know?”

“Let’s not go there right now.” She smiled and shrugged and held out a glass of wine. “I put dinner in the microwave to heat it up.”

Alex came over and took the wine, offering a kiss as she did so. “God, I’ve missed you.”

“You broke my heart, Alex,” Olivia whispered. “You broke it twice. You broke it when you went into witness protection and you broke it when you didn’t call me. And here I am, just … I’ve missed you too.”

“I’m sorry, Olivia.”

They stared at each other for a long time, the history between them too much to be awkward but the recent past enough to remind them that one tumble between the sheets did not a relationship repair. For a moment, Olivia let herself wonder if this was what it was like between Elliot and Kathy when they got back together. “Let’s go check on dinner, okay?”

“Yeah.”

The microwave beeped and Olivia took the out to dump the pasta onto plates and pass it over to Alex, who took a seat on the floor by the coffee table. The blonde lounged back, watching her, and Olivia shifted nervously under Alex’s gaze and sighed. “What?”

“Why are you still alone, Olivia?”

“Would you believe that a part of me has been waiting for you all this time?”

“Yes, but I also know you’ve had other people in your life. Someone important enough to warrant a drawer. So what’s stopping you from actually being with someone?” The women stared at each other and finally Alex leaned forward and shook her head, “When did you fall in love with him?”

Olivia felt the air rush out of her body and she sighed as she settled onto the floor. “I don’t know. We just looked at each other one night and it was like everything had changed. He was single and we … we just didn’t stop ourselves. We could have. We should have. But we made a conscious decision to do what we did. And it almost ruined us.”

“And then he went back to Kathy.”

“He didn’t leave Kathy for me, Alex. You need to know that.”

“I believe you.” Alex stared at her and Olivia felt every emotion betray her. She blushed and looked down. “I also believe that this time around, he might in fact leave her for you. And that will spell the end of everything.” Alex’s voice was so soft Olivia could almost believe she hadn’t spoken.

“Are we that obvious?”

“To me.”

Olivia leaned back, ignoring her food. The wine would serve any caloric purpose she needed. “Trust me, lately we’re walking on this really wobbly tight rope. One minute his arms are around me like they used to be and the next he’s on the phone with Kathy. We haven’t done anything yet, but it feels like if we aren’t careful, we will. Anyway,” she smiled a bit and gestured to Alex, “this might complicate things a bit, you know.”

“Via …” Olivia’s stomach turned slightly at the old nickname, one that had been used for her ears only. One that had been used the night Alex disappeared and Olivia had been left with only memories. They hadn’t even been able to kiss good-bye. Had this been what this was tonight? “Via, do you know what your problem is?”

“What, Lex?”

“You love the unattainable. It’s safe for you.”

“You were attainable.”

“I made myself attainable. If I hadn’t, you would have just made excuses. You loved me long before I ever asked you out and when I finally did, you completely freaked. Or have you forgotten?” They shared a smile. “You want the unattainable because when the relationship ultimately falls apart, or never even manifests in the first place, you always have something else to blame but your walls can stay firmly intact.”

“I loved you,” Olivia whispered. “You and Elliot. And you were attainable.”

“How attainable, really, was Elliot? Did you go into that relationship knowing full well he’d eventually go back to Kathy so you soaked up every moment you could so you would at least have those memories or did you actually think the two of you would make it work for the long term?”

“I don’t know,” another sip of the warm wine and her head spun just a bit. “I don’t know.” She shrugged and shook her head, “I hate how well you read me.”

“I know.” Alex shrugged and took a bite of her pasta. “Is tonight about running from your feelings for Elliot? It’s okay if it is, Olivia. Just getting to …”

“What do you mean?”

Alex waited a long time before answering. Finally, she stood up and walked over to Olivia and settled on the floor next to her. Gently, familiar arms wrapped around Olivia and she leaned into the embrace and the kiss that was waiting. Familiar lips, familiar scent. “I’ve wanted to do this again for so long, Olivia.” Alex’s fingers stroked her cheek. “And it only proves to me what I’m about to say to you.” Olivia didn’t dare speak. “I never believed in meant for each other until I met you. This strong, guarded woman who revealed only what she wanted to when she wanted to but who still wore her heart on her sleeve. It was why I sought you out that night, why I had to say good-bye, even though it was against every rule. I had to look at you one last time.”

“Why didn’t you …”

“Come find you when I was released from protection?”

“Yeah…”

“Because I’d hoped you’d moved on. And you had. I didn’t know it till tonight, but you had. You’d fallen in love with Elliot. See, circumstances ripped us apart and gave us new lives, Via. And for a while, you had Elliot and if you would get out of SVU and go be a victims advocate, where you belong, then you might be together again. Because that’s why Elliot couldn’t be with you. You were too close, shared too many things. In the end, you have to have a break from the pain and anguish you deal with all day long. If I know Elliot, he didn’t go back to Kathy because he loves her. He went back because he needed a safe haven outside of the department and that suburban life was all he knew and that left you where you’ve always been – in a land where you seek out what you think is unattainable.”

“What do I think is unattainable?”

“Love. You don’t think you actually deserve it. I swear, Via,” lips pressed against her temple, “I could kill your mother all over again for what she did to you. And don’t brush me off about how an adult should be able to deal with what happened to her as a child. The walls you’ve got around your heart are six foot thick reinforced steel and not even Hercules could really work through it. You still dream of white weddings and prince charmings. You never stopped hoping someone would save you and when you had to save yourself, you tucked that little girl far away into the recesses of your mind to serve as a reminder of what you think you aren’t worthy of.”

“This is a real pick-me-up, Alex.”

“I don’t mean to hurt you. You asked.”

“I know.” Olivia sighed and wiped carelessly at her eyes. “God I miss you. And you’re right. We would have been great together.”

“We were great together. It was the best three years of my life, detective.” She left the hope unspoken between them – that someday, they might be good together again.

“Mine too.” She leaned back and kissed Alex again.

“Via, if your happiness is in the arms of Elliot Stabler, then do what you need to do, but don’t do it in a way that will ruin you, okay?”

“God I hate you sometimes,” Olivia pulled off the floor and went for the box of tissues on her counter. “for such a cold bitch in the court room, you really know how to warm it up at home.”

“I love you too.” Alex laughed and moved back to her seat on the couch and the dinner she’d abandoned.  


***

Physically, the hardest part to get used to of the SVU detail was the inevitable schedule shifts. When detectives signed up, they were all under the impression that nights and swings were over. They understood they’d be on an on-call rotation for weekends and nights, and that anyone could get called in at a moment’s notice, but inevitably they came in believing that they’d finally won the day-shift prize. Better hours, more money, and a faster climb to the top. Live out your rotation in SVU and you were on your way. Going in, you prepared yourself for the victims, for the sleepless nights, for the truth that you would only catch thirteen percent of your perpetrators and close the books on four percent of those. But the first six months, the hardest adjustment was looking at the schedule on the board and realizing that after you’d just pulled a week of overtime trying to catch some rapist, suddenly you were scheduled for the double swings-graves in the station house. Those swing and graveyard shifts meant more paperwork and less sleep because your thirty minute naps were always interrupted by someone slamming into the crib, not bothering to check who was there. It hardened a detective. The good ones learned to tolerate it. For Elliot, the long, quiet nights had eventually become a sanctuary.

At first it had been torture. Being away from Kathy and the kids, sitting alone in the station house with his partner, staring blankly at forms and files and pictures of mutilated people while his kids and wife went on with their lives. Then Olivia had come into the picture and the late nights were far less lonely, even as he came to the realization that he too was moving on with his life.

 _“I’m sitting here realizing I spend more time with you than with my family.”_

 _“We both need a vacation.”_

She’d never realized he hadn’t meant it in a negative way.

He and Olivia had spent many midnights bonding over coffee and cold sandwiches up on the roof. It was when she first told him the truth about her father, when he’d first told her he’d married Kathy because she was pregnant. He came to love those quiet nights, much more so than the weekend on-call rotation. At home he allowed himself to slip back into the life of the suburban husband and father and being ripped from it put him into a foul mood. But on the swing and graves rotation, he was the Elliot he’d come to define himself as over these many years. The rotations were how he survived his divorce, and even his remarriage. They were how he and Olivia had been able to keep their affair secret. He’d made love to her the first time not in his loft or her apartment but on the thin, musty mattresses in the crib. They’d been quiet, as quiet as the creaky bunks would allow, and after, before they headed to the hospital to visit a rape victim, he’d been able to wash the scent of sex away in the nearby shower room.

It never did well to approach a rape victim smelling of the one thing she or he never wanted to think about again.

 _“It’s survivor, El. Not victim.”_

“You’re going in,” Kathy’s voice was tight and it sent tension right to his shoulders. “Tonight of all nights. When your daughter needs you more than anything, you are going into work. What, it’s against the law for you to take a few personal days and be with your family? God, Elliot. Olivia can handle it you know. She’s perfectly capable.”

“Kathy,” he opted for a t-shirt under a denim shirt, and jeans that had the appearance of newness. The extra sleep he’d had today had been a blessing, but staring at a shift that began at three was already wearing on his patience. “It’s the schedule and it takes an act of God to switch it around. Munch and Fin just spent a month pulling their own doubles and it’s Liv’s and my turn. Lizzie is okay. Anyway, I go in, I have more time to work on catching the asshole who raped Kellen. Trust me, that will help more than anything else.” Her tone grated on him tonight. Worse than usual.

“You’re running from this family’s problems. Running to work and to her. So typical, Elliot. So typical.”

“Don’t bring Olivia into this, Kathy.” His tone darkened. “This is my job and you signed on for it when we got back together. You knew what you were getting in to.” He sighed and leaned against the dresser, staring at her. “And I’m not the one running. You couldn’t even look at Lizzie during dinner. She needs our love and support right now. She needs us to live into every promise we made to each other when we asked ourselves what we would do if we found out our kids were gay.”

“It’s much easier in theory, Elliot.”

“I know.” He settled onto the bed and grabbed her as she paced past. They were so much older now than the carefree kids they’d been when she came to him, fresh out of high school, so scared he’d reject her, and told him she was pregnant. “Kathy,” he whispered, and she looked at him. “Kathy, I’m going to ask advice from Olivia and see if she’ll come by and talk to Lizzie.”

“What do you mean?”

He’d never meant to out his partner to his wife. Olivia’s choice of sexual partners was none of Kathy’s business, especially since one of those sexual partners had in fact included him. “Olivia dates women,” he chose his words carefully, “she’s had to deal with Lizzie’s side of all of it. Coming out, being rejected, losing people …”

“You’ve only mentioned men she’s dated.”

He detected a hint of hope in Kathy’s voice and wondered if he couldn’t have put her worries at ease for the past eleven years by letting her believe Olivia was a lesbian. Would it have saved his marriage? Would he have wanted it saved? “She dates both. She’s already said she’d be willing to talk to Lizzie, to give her anything she needs in terms of support. So now, I’m going to see what advice she has for Lizzie’s old man.”

Kathy sighed and shook her head. “Why couldn’t Lizzie just come to us?”

“Because she’s grown up in a house of turmoil and didn’t want to add to it. She goes faithfully to church every Sunday – with or without us. And she knows the kind of work I do and how many kids get kicked out of their homes for being gay.”

“I know.” Kathy’s gentle hands moved through his short hair and her touch reminded him why he’d married her. Twice.

“I’ll call and check in before the kids go to bed.” Elliot stood and kissed his wife. “But I have to go.”

“Yeah.” Kathy touched his cheek and he wondered how he could love someone so much, but still not be in love with her anymore. She was companionship, she was stability, but that was all. She was his history. He just wished he understood his future. “Kiss Eli before you go, okay?”

“Yeah. I’ll call and check in, but I might not be home for a couple of days. You know how these double rotations tend to work out.”

“I know.” She sighed. “I’m used to it.”

***

Olivia was there when he arrived and he wondered if she’d managed to get any extra sleep before their swing on swing begun. She looked tired and was worrying the end of her pen between her teeth. Something was bugging her.

But she looked good at least. He loved that maroon sweater, the one with the sleeves that went just past her elbows and the neckline that plunged enough that she always wore a black tank top underneath. She was in slightly ragged jeans and her boots were those ones she’d been wearing for years. Sexy enough for a night at a bar and sturdy enough to keep her from falling as she raced after a perp who thought because she was in heels, she couldn’t run.

How the hell DID she run in those things? He’d never figured it out.

Her hair, longer now – he liked it soft and long – was up in a pony tail, giving her still youthful face a false image of innocence. Eleven years witnessing the worst humanity had to offer had taken its toll on him. He saw the harder lines on his face and the gray in his hair. But it struck him how she could still appear graceful and beautiful – even when her soul had been so tarnished by a life of pain. What did he have to complain about when he thought about her solitary existence? She should have been her mother’s shining hope, instead when she wasn’t being neglected or abused, she was reminded not of the joy the tragedy brought into her mother’s life but the pain that had caused her existence.

 _“She never let me forget that I was a drain on her, Elliot. Even before I knew the truth. When I was little, she took me to see Cabaret and I was so excited and as we came out of the theater. I wanted to go stand at the stage door and see the actors as they came out. I wanted to learn so much. But she looked at me and said “You can thank your father for that experience.” And when we got home she started drinking and that was the night she pushed me down the stairs so hard I broke my wrist. I told the doctor I’d tripped. And I still loved her, Elliot. I still loved her. What does that make me?”_

 _He’d kissed her. “Beautiful, Olivia. It makes you beautiful.”_

“How’s Lizzie?”

A second glance at her brought something else to his attention and he swallowed. Maybe the signals he’d been getting from her lately were completely false. That love bite was fresh and he knew he hadn’t been the one to give it to her. He wondered if she even knew she had it.

Elliot slid out of his jacket and into his chair and sighed. “Surviving. I’m glad it’s finally out. I’m glad she knows we’ll be there for both her and Kellen.”

“How’s Kathy taking it?”

Again, a sigh escaped him. “She’s having trouble with it. More than I thought she would.”

“She’ll be okay. It’s a shock. You can’t tell me you wouldn’t be having problems of some sort if it hadn’t all come out during this investigation. You are so focused on being a good dad and a good detective, that having a problem with it hasn’t even crossed your mind.” She leaned back in her chair and twisted her pen cap through her fingers. “When this investigation is over, you really need to talk to her. Make sure that you ask careful questions. Don’t interrogate her, but you deserve to know what she’s doing just like if she was sleeping with a boy at school. I think it’s better if you show her that you’re having trouble processing this because it means you do care. Shutting down … it never works.”

“I’m sensing a pot-kettle-black moment.”

“Oh fuck you.” But the tone was nowhere near as harsh as the words and her eyes were twinkling. “You want me to talk to Lizzie?”

“If she needs it. Yes. Please.” Elliot sighed. “Please. I have no experience at any of this.”

“I’ll come over next week, after our sentence to these doubles is over.”

“Thanks.” Elliot stood and walked over to her desk and perched on the edge. Her messages were laid out in order of whom to call back and he picked up a yellow post it on which _Via, please give me a call …_ was scrawled in Alex’s familiar handwriting. “You two talked yet?”

“We’ve had lunch a couple of times.” Her eyes glanced back at the note and her hand moved up to subtly rub her neck and he realized she was covering the bite. For reasons he didn’t want to get in to, his stomach plummeted as he realized what she wasn’t telling him. She’d been with Alex last night.

What did he have to be jealous about? He was married and Olivia was a grown woman and for as much as he knew she cared for him, he also knew she was still very much in love with Alex. “But have you talked yet?”

“What’s to say, Elliot? She’s back. She’s our new-but-old DA and we are working together.”

“You also still care, Liv. She meant everything to you at one time.” He kept his voice low, knowing that Fin had hearing the CIA would love to exploit.

“And we’ve both changed and I don’t want to go down that road, okay? I didn’t wait for her. I didn’t expect her to wait for me.”

“You never thought you’d see her again.”

Whatever she was about to say died on her lips, but he could see the unspoken confusion in her eyes. Olivia grabbed the message back from him. “Leave it alone, Elliot. At least,” she looked around, “in here, okay?”

“Fair enough.” Elliot tried to swallow the bitter taste of jealousy in his mouth. He wasn’t sure what he wanted for her, but selfishly, he wanted her single. He wanted her accessible. He was a fucking bastard. He was married and he knew better but he still wanted her all to himself. The idea of other men and women getting to taste what he had once tasted, touching her like he had once touched her, hearing how she exploded during climax it was too much for him. It was easier for him to imagine Kathy dating and moving on than it was for him to accept Olivia in bed with anyone but him. So he walked away and put a lid on his emotions before she got angry. “Do we have any legroom to talk to the officers we have narrowed our suspect pool down to yet?”

“The Union has officially called in IAB.” She tossed a file at him. “Our jobs just got a hell of a lot harder and IAB has frozen our access to any of the extended files and jackets we would normally have access to.”

“And if they find out that Kellen’s girlfriend is my daughter, they’ll want me off the case.”

“Yeah. And if we push too hard, we’re in trouble.”

“I hate this. They’re covering up for a dirty cop and if the Union is walking hand and hand with it, then we know they know who did it.” He paused and opened the file. “Which rep called IAB?”

“The one for …” she glanced at her notebook. “Philip Anderson and Doug Ellis.” She narrowed her eyes. “Anderson’s name is familiar. I don’t know why.”

“So really,” he scanned the file, “we’ve narrowed it to two. No self-respecting uniform wants to be anywhere near IAB, especially in a situation like this. They call in IA, muddy our waters, make us think we need to cover our tracks and meanwhile, they bury Kellen’s rape.”

“I know.” She sighed and rubbed her eyes and he noticed for the first time that she wasn’t wearing makeup. It was rare – she usually had at least a swipe of mascara or eyeliner. Nothing. No wonder she seemed to gentle, so innocent. This was Olivia without makeup, the woman he’d woken up to for those spiraling months, the woman who could get her three mile run in and make cups of coffee before he rolled out of bed. He’d ramble into her living room, attracted only by the smell of the slightly-better-than-Folgers blend she used, and she’d be there, in her yoga pants and her tank top, sipping on her second cup and reading the paper. Always without makeup.

 _“You’re beautiful, you know. Without makeup.”_

 _“Stop it.”_

 _“I don’t say things I don’t mean, Olivia.”_

She glanced up at him and smiled. “What?”

“Nothing.” But he returned her smile before settling into his own stack of files and reports on Kellen’s rape. “When is IAB coming to talk to us?”

“On their own time, I’m sure.” She huffed. “Been here an hour and I need a drink already. I was fine till I heard mention of IAB.” She looked up and crooked her head at him. “Hey, let’s go talk to Rita. See if she knows of other kids in the community who have been hurt.”

“You avoiding the suits?”

“You passing up a chance to stare at Rita Lorenzo’s legs?”

“I do not stare,” he said with a laugh as they stood up, “I apprise.”

“Yeah. Right.”

He grinned and leaned close as they stood up to go track down the object of their discussion. “You stare,” he taunted.

The sound of Olivia Benson laughing remained the best sound in the universe. But before they could get out of the double doors and down the stairs, the Captain’s voice stopped them.

“Benson! Stabler!”

In perfect synchronization, they turned. “Yeah, Cap?”

“You’ve got a call down at the river. Someone just pulled a teenager out of the water.”

“Call homicide.”

“No, this one is you guys.”

***

  
Olivia’s breath hitched as she stared at the naked, mangled body of the boy she had talked to just days before.

Can you come and speak at our Gay-Straight Alliance meeting? Kellen would want that.

“Marley Flescher,” the coroner was intoning, giving the garish details they’d discovered. Beaten. Raped. Sodomized with a foreign object. It was still in him.

Seventeen.

“He’s friends with Dickie,” Elliot whispered. “I’ve seen him around the house once or twice. I had no idea he … God.”

Olivia allowed him the distance he needed while she took her notes and surveyed the scene. Body dump into the river. All DNA washed away.

Someone was targeting these kids.

When left to her own devices, Olivia followed Elliot. She waited, knowing that he knew she was behind him. He’d speak when he was ready.

“The other night, Lizzie actually sat down and talked to me and Kathy. She told us about the Gay-Straight Alliance at school and how it was a safe haven for all kids who wanted to be part of a better conversation about sex. She talked about how Marley and Kellen had fought the administration to keep it going and how they’d started a petition at school to send to the White House about the Matthew Shepherd bill. God, I knew none of this stuff but here is my daughter, getting involved with an activist group at school and falling in love and having friends who want to change the world. When I was her age, I just wanted to have sex with Kathy.”

She didn’t touch him. They didn’t do that. Not in the field. Not in front of other people. But she stood close enough that he couldn’t deny her support. “We can pass this off to Fin and Munch.”

“No. It’s our call. I … I want to know what’s happening to these kids.”

“All right. So let’s go do our jobs, okay?”

***

  
He broke with protocol and went home, wanting to talk to his children alone. After facing the angry, resentful parents of Marley Flescher, who had wanted nothing to do with their son’s sexuality and less to do with him, he needed to talk to someone who knew him. He needed to break the news to Lizzie and Dickie in safe place where they wouldn’t be hounded by counselors or other cops.

Lizzie needed to hear about it at home, where her tears could flow freely.

Nine o’clock and all wasn’t well as he let himself into the familiar house and took a deep breath, reveling in the world he’d lived in for so long. This was what he needed, this break from the horrors of his job. He needed Kathy’s stability and the laughter of his children.

Didn’t he?

Didn’t he need this sense of contentment and the lingering smell of garlic and the whiff of smoke from the candles? Didn’t he need Kathy’s silent support and his children’s laughter and the TV that needed to be replaced and the DVD collection that once again included too many Disney movies? Didn’t he need the smell of the laundry detergent Kathy preferred and way his clothes magically were put away and the dishes done, even though Kathy was working again?

Didn’t he?

He didn’t need to spend every moment of his life with Olivia Benson. He didn’t need the way she listened to every word he said, even when she was mad at him. He didn’t need to spend his days locked in deep conversation that included the devils of humanity. He didn’t need to know from just a touch or a look that she supported him. He didn’t need the passionate way she responded to his touch or the way her eyes twinkled right before he kissed her or the way she leaned back into his arms. He didn’t need any of it.

Did he?

“Daddy!” Came a familiar cry and he laughed and lunged forward, scooping Eli into his arms. “Daddy home!”

“Daddy is home,” Elliot kissed his son’s temple. Kathy smiled across the room at him, her anger from earlier clearly lifted by his presence. How soon would it end? How soon until she glared at him as he returned to work to finish his shift? How long before she called him to “tell him how the kids were doing” all the while making both of them bitter while he tried to listen to Olivia’s comments on the case and make sense of files. They’d changed so much over the past two decades. Maybe it really wasn’t worth the fight he was making it out to be. But for now he crossed the room to his wife and kissed her gently. “How’re you?”

She shrugged. “There are some leftovers in the fridge if you’re hungry.”

“Olivia and I grabbed dinner.” As soon as his lips closed over the words, he knew it was the wrong thing to say.

Kathy tightened up and sighed and stood. “Eli needs his bath. Why are you home?”

There it was. The challenge. She knew he hadn’t just come home to check on the family. “I need to talk to Lizzie and Dickie. We found one of their classmates floating in the river.”

There it was. His rebuttal. He hated that it came out how it did, tense and tight and domineering. He hated that they wouldn’t approach this together as a parental team but he would go in as a cop. He hated that his life trumped hers and that a part of him relished it. He hated that he was proud of himself for not pointing out that he’d left Olivia behind when he came to talk to Lizzie and Dickie. He hated that it wasn’t about love between them. It was about winning. He hated the defeated look in her eyes and the knowledge that after he broke this news to them and talked to them about what they might know, he was going to go back to work and leave Kathy to deal with the tears and the silence. He hated that it was this that had ended his marriage once and it would end it again and there was nothing they could do about it.

“They’re upstairs,” she whispered, horrified. For a minute they stared at each other, not as Cop and Wife but as parents who loved their children desperately and he hated himself for his bitter thoughts. Elliot clung to his youngest child for a long moment, wishing he could stay here forever and protect him from the world that would always seek to harm him. Finally he handed Eli back to Kathy and slowly trudged up the stairs and gathered Lizzie and Dickie into the room he shared with Kathy.

When had he stopped thinking of it as their bedroom?

Lizzie looked lost. Her hair hung in her face, her hands bunched in the sleeves of the hoodie he couldn’t get her out of. It was Olivia’s, he noticed. She’d been in the car with him and Olivia years ago, back when he and Kathy were separated, and had been cold. Olivia hadn’t even blinked as she handed over the faded blue sweatshirt. After years of constant wear and washing, the NYPD on the back was faded and the patch on the arm worn and soft. Olivia had never asked for it back and Lizzie wore it almost every day. Maybe Olivia coming to talk to Lizzie really was the best thing. Maybe Lizzie loved her more than Elliot had ever realized.

When he brushed her hair back she flinched and he realized she’d been crying. Putting aside the Cop, he gathered Lizzie onto his lap and held her. Reassuring her that they loved her, that he wasn’t going to stop loving her and that they wanted to get to know Kellen so they could love her too. It amazed him how grown she was and yet his baby girl still fit against him like she was still a toddler and he was comforting her after a skinned knee. How dare the world make problems worse than something he could fix by kissing away the scrape? Tears touched his eyes and he motioned for Dickie to sit down. “Guys, we need to talk about something.”

Lizzie’s scream would stay with him for days.

 _TBC …_


	4. Fic Post: Law and Order Special Victims Unit - Shadowed Superhero: Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _A file landed in her lap. Nervous, she flipped it open, expecting to see some long-lens shot of her and Alex locked in some public display of affection and as a result, they thought because they thought she was gay, she couldn’t be objective. Instead, the blood drained from her body and shaking, she stared at the image of the officer in front of her._

_**Fic Post: Law and Order Special Victims Unit - Shadowed Superhero: Chapter 3**_  
 **Series:** Shadowed Superhero  
 **Chapter 3:** Internal Affairs  
 **Author:** vegawriters  
 **Fandom:** Law and Order: SVU  
 **Pairing:** Olivia/Alex; Elliot/Olivia; Elliot/Kathy  
 **Genre:** Case file/angst/romance  
 **Timeframe:** Post Zebras – Early Season 11  
 **Rating:** Adult  
 **A/N:** Many many thank you to my betas. They know this show better than I do. (2) This is NOT a crossover, but for Silk Stalkings fans, you should recognize one of the characters.  
 **Disclaimer:** If Law and Order BELONGED to me, you think I’d be writing fic? So no. Dick Wolf and his crew own it all, I am just taking Elliot, Olivia, Fin, and others, out to play. Now, if Mr. Wolf is looking for someone to write his L &O novel tie-ins … I’m totally there. Just sayin.

 **Summary:** _A file landed in her lap. Nervous, she flipped it open, expecting to see some long-lens shot of her and Alex locked in some public display of affection and as a result, they thought because they thought she was gay, she couldn’t be objective. Instead, the blood drained from her body and shaking, she stared at the image of the officer in front of her._

“She screamed, Liv.” He stared at the coffee mug in his hands. They’d needed a break and pacing the squad room floor made no sense so she’d poured them both coffee and they’d headed upstairs to the roof, to their spot. Olivia waited, sitting next to him on the cool cement platform, knowing he would work his issues out in his own time. Right now, he just needed her there to listen. “She screamed like I’d been the one to kill him and she wanted to know why we hadn’t caught him yet and … God.” Now she did touch him. Gently. Her hand on his back. “She screamed.”

“Her world is falling apart, El. She doesn’t know up from down right now.” For a brief moment, Olivia thought about pulling him back to the case, asking what she’d said and if they could use any part of her statement. But that was for downstairs. Right now, up here on the roof, he needed her there as a friend, not a cop. “If you need to take some time, go home, be with her, I understand. We’ve got a newbie paper pusher who needs some breaking in and if there’s something that comes up, I can page you.”

“No,” he looked over and smiled and she hated herself for the way her heart fluttered. His world was falling apart and she wanted to kiss him. She’d spent the night with Alex and all she wanted to do was kiss him. Really, her mind confused her sometimes. Maybe Alex was right. Maybe all she wanted was the unattainable. Alex was right there in front of her, wanting to start over, and here she was, on the roof with Elliot. “Thanks, though. I appreciate it. I need to work on this as much as Lizzie needs me to work on it. Anyway, we have to figure things out before IA gets us dirty.”

She wasn’t expecting him to lift his fingers to brush the hair out of her face but she leaned into the touch. He fingered the scab left over from the plate accident of the other night and shook his head. “What is it, El?” She whispered.

“I don’t deserve you sitting here, you know. You here or Kathy at home. I’m a selfish sonofabitch who demands more than he gives and yet here you are. Why?”

She lifted her free hand to his chest, her fingers tightening in the fabric of his shirt, and wondered for a minute where the self-control had gone. It hadn’t been easy these past few years, watching him with his family and her trying so hard to find any kind of solid ground in her life. But they were finally back on track. Was this the reason for both of their sudden, extra affection? “Do you really have to ask, Elliot?”

“Part of me does.” His hand still hadn’t moved from her cheek and she met the kiss halfway.

It had been years, but nothing had changed. Not the way his mouth knew hers or the way his hand slid through her hair to tangle at the base of her neck. Not the way his tongue asked for entrance and then took over the entire kiss. Nothing. Nothing had changed. Not her body’s reaction to his proximity or how he pushed slightly against her; stability and risk in one movement.

No. She pulled back.

Things _had_ changed. He was married. He had Eli. And she and Alex were again dancing around each other. She shook her head, “Elliot.”

“I’m sorry, Olivia. I don’t know what …” he shook his head. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I was right there with you.” Olivia looked back at her coffee mug. “And I wanted it to go farther. But I can’t …” she took a deep, shaking breath. “I don’t want to be the other woman, Elliot. Even if …” she cut him off before he could argue, “I’ve been exactly that since we were partnered together. I respect myself too much. I respect you too much. I respect Kathy … even if it kills me sometimes that you two are back together.” She was rambling and she knew it and her defenses meant nothing to him.

“Liv …” his voice hitched and she waited for him to put his thoughts together. “I just wish I understood how I feel right now. I do know that I’m not in love with Kathy anymore.”

“You haven’t been in love with her for a long, long time, Elliot. You went back to her because she was pregnant. If she hadn’t been, you never would have actually moved home, even if you were talking about it. It doesn’t mean you could live with yourself if we did … what kisses like that usually turn in to for us. I won’t do that to you. As much as I miss you, I won’t do it to you.” But she sighed. The words felt hollow and his hand was on her back again and she was turning to face him, coffee mug set aside and her hands resting on his hips. “We shouldn’t—“

“Let me make my own choices, Olivia.” He kissed her again.

This time she didn’t pull back. The feel of his lips on hers was so familiar and somehow so much more settling than anything she felt with Alex. His hand was halfway up the back of her shirt and she was in desperate need of a panty change when his cell phone vibrated. With a laugh, he stepped back and took a breath and checked the text message.

“What is it?”

“Cragen needs us.” He sighed and looked at her. “Olivia, I’m not sorry about what just happened. I don’t know what it all means, but I’m not sorry.”

“Cragen needs us,” she repeated softly. “We’ll talk about the rest later.” Olivia grabbed her abandoned coffee mug and followed Elliot down the stairs while her inner teenager laughed and mocked her.

***

  
The suit in Cragen’s office told them everything they needed to know about why their captain so desperately needed their presence. Holding back the huff, Olivia slid into a chair and stared at the IAB rat. She really hated these guys. “What’s up?”

“Your investigation of the Kellen Ridgeland rape case.”

“It’s totally by the book,” Elliot piped up from his perch in the corner. “In fact, the only thing keeping us from getting anything done is you and the Union guys. We could get a rapist off the streets, possibly a killer, if you’d let us talk to the remaining officers we need to talk to.”

“That’s the problem.” Cragen looked at them. “They’re worried you both may be too close to this investigation.”

“Why?”

“Detective Stabler, is it true that your daughter, Elizabeth, is having a romantic relationship with the victim?”

“Yes. But she wasn’t the one who was raped. The rules don’t apply.”

Olivia pressed her fingers tightly to the bridge of her nose. What was next?

“As for you, Detective Benson, your professionalism and lack of ability to separate yourself from this case may already be called into question.”

“Me, why me?” Her mind raced. She’d investigated countless cases of rape or murder as related to sexual orientation and her professionalism had never been an issue. No one knew, except Elliot and Alex and maybe Fin. Yeah, she had a feeling Fin knew but thank god for his discretion.

A file landed in her lap. Nervous, she flipped it open, expecting to see some long-lens shot of her and Alex locked in some public display of affection and as a result, they thought because they thought she was supposedly gay, she couldn’t be objective. Instead, the blood drained from her body and shaking, she stared at the image of the officer in front of her.

“Liv?”

The concern in Elliot’s voice nearly did her in, but her ability to process anything was suddenly so internalized that she couldn’t respond. Anderson. Phillip Anderson. She knew where she knew the name now. How many times in her days at Sealview had he bent her over a table, pressing into her while she struggled and he mocked her?

 _“You want a little of this, baby girl? Maybe I’ll get you and Lilly over there to go at it for me. Whoever gives it up first gets an extra hour of sleep in the morning.”_

She trembled.

 _“What, baby girl? What’s got you all nervous? You want something to be scared of, I’ll give you to someone who will make you scream.”_

“Olivia?”

“What’s he doing working for NYPD?” She glanced up at the IA rat. “What the hell is he doing with a badge and a gun?”

“He passed his background and his physical qualifiers.”

“He’s complacent in rape and sexual assault.”

“None of which was proven, let alone charged, Detective Benson. But you can see how it would look if it was you who suddenly started throwing your weight around.”

“With all due respect,” she said, the sarcasm dripping from her, “if he was cleared of all charges from his time at Sealview, then me ‘throwing my weight around’ shouldn’t be an issue. But the more you cover for this officer, the more it proves to me that you know something even we don’t and that IA is going to help to keep an rapist and a murderer on the street. So,” she stood up, somehow finding her center, “you can either let me do my job or you can find yourselves on the end of a subpoena from the DA’s office to release these files. It’s up to you.”

She felt, more than heard, Elliot’s proud snort of approval. The IA cretin for his part didn’t quite know what to say. She waited, still clinging to the file they’d handed her, determined to not lose this game of chicken. Finally, he nodded. “Okay.” He relented. “But, you let us know if you’re going to make an arrest. We need to make sure this is by the book.”

“Fair enough.” She waited until the suit had stormed from Cragen’s office before collapsing back onto the chair, her hands cramping from holding the file so tightly. Her breath caught and she closed her eyes, trying to get her heartbeat under control.

“You all right, Olivia?”

She nodded, the gentle voice of her captain grounding her. “Yeah. Thank you.”

“You going to be able to handle this?”

“Yeah.” She took another breath and finally found herself calming down. “It was just a surprise, that’s all.”

“All right. So go catch yourselves a rapist.”

***

  
“You want to tell me what that’s all about?” Elliot watched her out of the corner of his eye and she shivered under the scrutiny. “I mean, it’s clear he has history with you at Sealview but you look like you just watched …”

“He was part of it, okay, Elliot? My time at the prison was one guard after another molesting me. It was only Harris that took it further.” She closed her eyes. God she needed a shower. Badly. A shower and maybe to scour her body with razor wire. His hands were all over her again, his half hard cock pressing against her while he frisked her.

“Let’s see what you got under that jumpsuit baby girl.”

Elliot’s hand closed over her knee and she jumped and he pulled back, guilt pouring from him. “Sorry.”

“I didn’t mean …” she whimpered a bit and stared out the window of the sedan. Talking about it was supposed to make it better, but what was she supposed to say? Dealing with what Harris had done to her, how he’d overpowered her and forced her had been enough. Finally erasing the “bite me and you’re dead” loop from her brain had taken over a year. Now she had Anderson, his smirking “Baby girl” in her mind, pressing against her, taunting her. She took a breath. “He … he was one of the worst when I was undercover, El. But proving anything was impossible. My word against his and really we were after Harris.”

“You ever going to tell me what Harris did to you?”

“You’ve read the case report.”

“Not what was squandered away by his union rep.”

“Someday, Elliot. I promise.”

“Okay.” He pointed to the squad car parked under the bridge in front of them. “That’s them. You ready for this?”

“As I’ll ever be.” She sighed and undid her seat belt. “Let’s do it.”

***

  
“Well, well. Hello, Kat. Oh, I’m sorry. It’s Detective Benson, right? I can’t be sure.”

Elliot swallowed his gut reaction. Pushing a fellow officer up against his squad car while his partner was witness was sure to get any of their notes thrown out. But he did step protectively in front of Olivia. That she didn’t roll her eyes and step away from him told him more than anything she could have voiced out loud. “We need to talk to you about what happened at the HHS protest the other night.”

“Not much to talk about. Some of the kids got rowdy and the ones we could, we rounded up and let cool their heels overnight in central booking.”

“Were there any problems?”

“Not really. Most of them were teenagers so they haven’t learned to fight back yet.”

“Did you pick anyone up?”

Anderson looked back at his partner and then at Olivia, who still hadn’t spoken a word. He smirked and shrugged. “No. After all, there would be a record if I had, wouldn’t there.”

“We have a witness who says otherwise, Anderson.”

“Your witness is a teenage kid who probably wants to find a way to prove to mom and dad that she wasn’t out whoring around all night.”

Elliot jumped in when Olivia’s jaw tightened. “You know, these teenage kids are pretty good kids. We’ve talked to a bunch of them and we have witness statements that put one of them in your squad car after security broke up the protest.”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about.” Anderson still hadn’t taken his eyes off Olivia.

Olivia finally spoke up. “Come on, Anderson. You mean you don’t want to brag about what you did to that little girl. We all know how you love to brag.”

The distant tone in her voice turned Elliot’s blood cold. What had this bastard done to her? “Don’t make us come back and arrest you. Come on down, stand in a lineup, clear yourself.”

But Anderson snorted. “Talk to my union rep.”

“Okay,” Olivia was already storming away. “We’ll see you soon.”

***

  
Alex looked up at the knock on her door. “Yeah?” She smiled at the familiar face and waved her inside. “What’s up, Liv?” They hadn’t seen each other since the other night. Hadn’t spoken beyond a long game of phone tag that was more about open cases than it was their relationship. She had to smile. It was how they’d started off the first time around. But Olivia looked tired and nervous and the smile fell from her face when she saw the red-rimmed eyes of her former lover. “What is it, Sweetie?”

Olivia shook her head. “I need some advice.”

“Okay, what’s at issue?”

“I have a sneaking feeling that IAB is looking into my private life to see if it determines how I solve my cases.”

“What is the basis for this assumption?”

Olivia shrugged. “I could just be paranoid. But they’re nosing around right now about the Kellen Ridgeland case as though they have something. They’re covering something up. It’s a hunch, but I trust my hunches.”

“So do I. So you think they’ll be using your sexuality to exploit you?”

‘Yeah. So, what can you tell me?”

“Well,” Alex shrugged. “If they have anything on you and Elliot, you’re probably in hot water. But since you ended it and if it never really affected your working relationship then you could probably skate by with a slap on the wrists and a mark in your mutual jackets. Especially,” Alex stared at her, “if you two haven’t picked up where you left off.”

“We haven’t.” She left the “yet” off of the sentence.

“Who else in the department have you had a physical relationship with?”

“You and Brian Cassidy.”

“Well, Brian is a non-issue. The two of you had a one-night stand and although he eventually left the department, it wasn’t as a result of your non-relationship. As for your relationship with me…” Alex grinned devilishly.

Olivia tried to laugh, but she was feeling excessively nervous. “It’s IAB, Alex. They’re the CIA of police organizations. A shadow government that sweeps what it wants to under the rug and the rest they air out to dry and use as examples. And you know as well as I do that gay cops get the brunt of it and I think this is the first time they’ve ever actually faced bisexuality in the department dirty laundry. Semen or vaginal discharge they can handle. But god forbid it be both.

And it doesn’t help that three of my lovers have been part of my department. So much for my ‘I don’t sleep with co-workers’ rule.”

“You used that on Cassidy to shut up his puppy dog like stalking of you.”

“He’s a sweet kid. And, you just said that I hadn’t done anything to jeopardize my job. Now what about you and me?”

“You don’t think I checked into the legalities of what we’re doing before I seduced you into my bed?”

Olivia threw her head back and laughed. “You actually combed through the manual to make sure that you could legally fuck me?”

“Oh yes, yes I did.”

Olivia giggled. “And what did you find, counselor?”

“That if I want to cook a fellow detective dinner and then get her naked on my living room carpet, there is nothing to stop us because we are not technically partners. As long as a relationship within the department does not affect the happenings of a case, then we can fuck like bunnies on the captain’s desk if we want.”

Olivia laughed and shook her head. “Tell me it actually says that in the manual. Please.”

Alex grinned but her eyes were solemn. “I just don’t want your list of lovers flaunted in front of the Morris Commission, Via. God, they’ll …”

“They’ll paint me as an out of control whore that sleeps with anything that moves.”

“Via …”

“It’s okay, Lex. It’s what my GOAL rep said this morning when I talked to her. The commission is made up of old men who haven’t seen action on the streets or with their wives in decades. They still think that gay officers should be under a don’t ask, don’t tell rule and they love the fact that in the state of New York, there still isn’t a firing statue. They’ll find something to get me on and I’ll be lucky to get a job chasing maverick moose killers in Alaska.”

“You’re clean, Via. You’re clean. Your cases are clean and your arrests are good and the complaints in your jacket come from doped up witnesses too fucked up to remember their names. You’re a good cop and people respect you and you have the highest arrest rate in the department. And IAB isn’t after you or even after sexuality right now. They’re trying to cover their asses because they hired Phillip Anderson and we won’t let them get away with it.

“How do you know what this is about?”

Alex held up the file she’d been pouring over. “He was part of the take down you and Fin led at Sealview. Very impressive.”

Olivia shook her head. It was the official file. Not the one with the truth, with her statement about Harris and Anderson and the others. She ran her hands through her hair, not sure if she wanted to bring it up or not. The truth. What had happened at Sealview. She couldn’t. It wasn’t relevant. Not beyond what Anderson had said and done and his comments were nothing more than the usual harassment heaped on suspects by officers. Alex didn’t need to know. “Alex, you …”

“I what?”

She shook her head. “Never mind.” She couldn’t go into it. She couldn’t reveal this weakness to Alex. She couldn’t let her know. What would Alex think of her? “Um, I’ll see you later.”

“Liv, talk to me.”

Unbidden, tears flooded Olivia’s eyes and it took a few deep breaths before she could speak again. “I can’t, Alex. I don’t want to get you in trouble.”

“What would get me in trouble?”

“The records are sealed.”

“I’ll unseal them. What happened? Olivia?”

“I can’t, Alex. Thanks for the information. I’ll see you later.” She turned on her heel and fled.

***

  
“Have you issued an arrest warrant for Phillip Anderson?”

Alex glanced up at her boss and pulled her glasses off her face. Suddenly, she had a headache. “Yes.”

“I wish you hadn’t.”

“He raped a young girl under cloak of authority. When confronted by Benson and Stabler, he was defiant and argumentative. It’s more than enough for a lineup.”

“Don’t let your detectives file on the Anderson rape case.”

Alex frowned. “Why not?”

“Because they are too close to it. There is too much of a conflict of interest.”

“Why? What’s going on? Why am I being blocked at every turn on this thing? IAB, the Unions, even you. Why is One PP covering its ass like this?”

“Because they screwed up and they’re more worried about covering that up than arresting a rapist.”

A file landed on her desk. She glanced at the Confidential scrawled across the top. “This is ...”

“Two years ago, Detective Benson went undercover at Sealview’s correctional facility. There were some problems with the technicalities of her investigation – nothing so much she did but there were failures on the part of the department to make sure what she found would stick. What happened to her could not be used in court.”

“What do you mean what happened?”

“Read this file, Alex. If Benson and Stabler do pursue the Anderson case, there will be an evidentiary hearing to establish conflict of interest and you deserve better than finding out the truth on the witness stand.”

“What happened to her?” Alex was out of her chair and staring her boss down. “What happened?” Why hadn’t she been there?

“Her statements are in the file. My understanding is that there is actually more and it was kept off the record by the corrections union. But someone knows and they’re going to be asking some hard questions. Get ready. And get ready to be called to the stand.”

“Why me?”

“Because the wrong people know about your personal relationship with Detective Benson.”

“We don’t have a personal relationship.”

“But you did. And,” he handed over a manila envelope. “This came this morning.”

Shaking, Alex pulled a photograph out of the envelope. Grainy footage of Olivia standing at her window, pulling the shades down and Alex behind her, arms around her, whispering into her ear. “Someone followed us last night?”

“Apparently. Look, Alex, I could care less who you are sleeping with. But it does pertain to the case. I’m not going to pull you, but you need to watch your back and be ready to answer hard questions.”

“This is not the first case Olivia Benson has investigated that deals with lesbian sexuality.”

“No, but it is the first one where her suspect is also her perp.”

The blood drained from Alex’s body as her suspicions were confirmed. “He …”

“There’s no evidence to support it. Read the file, Alex. And maybe it’s time you really talked to Benson.”

“Yeah …” She didn’t hear her boss leave her office. She didn’t hear the door close or her pager beep with the message that they’d arrested Anderson. Shaking, she flipped open the file and stared at the big red “Confidential” stamped on the first page. Worrying her lip between her teeth, she flipped the page and came face to face with Olivia’s picture, the same one on her ID badge. Benson, Olivia. _Detective level 1, Manhattan Special Victims Unit. Precinct 16._ She pulled the picture out and set it aside. Underneath was her CV – the basics of her education, grades at the academy, and rise through the ranks. Below that, commendations and annotations to letters in her personal file from victims and families whom she had made a special impact on. Below that, a cursory list of complaints filed and suspensions leveled. She stared at one, confused. _One month suspension without pay and permanent mark in jacket. Must remain free of complaints for one year or will lose badge. See personnel file for details. Case file 1233467-B; Simon Marsden._ What had she missed while she was away? The next page gave a detailed summary of her request to go undercover at Sealview: her suspicions and evidence and witness statements to back up her theories. The approval from the department, signed by Cragen. _Detectives Benson and Tutuola to go undercover together to investigate Corrections Officers for sexual assault._ Alex’s breath started coming in shorter gasps.

Sexual assault.

She flipped to the next page. A familiar form signed with Olivia’s familiar handwriting. _Narrative: Following the uprising in the prison mess, Officer Harris cuffed me and took me to the basement. Assuming he was taking me to solitary confinement, I did not fight. In the basement, he pushed me onto a mattress_. Alex had to stop reading. No. God. No. Her hands shook, her body quaked. No. No. No. _At that point I fought back and was able to hide behind a pile of boxes. When Harris caught up to me, he cuffed me to the door and exposed himself. At that time, Detective Tutuola came into the basement and arrested Harris._ No. No. No. Alex knew Olivia. She knew there was more to this statement than what she had put out there.

Her Olivia. Raped. Sexually assaulted. Forced against her will to submit.

 _Other officers involved with sexual control at the correctional facility include Phillip Anderson, Matthew Decker, and Christopher Buttars. Evidence and statements provided on page two._

Her phone beeped again. Alex grabbed it and stared at the message. _Kellen Ridgeland has identified Phillip Anderson. We’ve arrested and charged him. Meet us at booking._

Shaking, Alex rose to her feet, grabbed her bag, and headed out. She needed to talk to Olivia. Now.

 _TBC …_


	5. fan fic post: Law and Order: SVU - Shadowed Superhero Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Each smack against the heavy bag jolted her back. The kickback forcing resistance to build muscle. She pounded, angry, angry at the insanity around her, at her inability to make a decision about her love life, angry at Elliot and Alex and her mother and her father and Harris and Anderson and the IA rats who were still going to try to bury the case._

_**fan fic post: Law and Order: SVU - Shadowed Superhero Chapter 4**_  
 **Series:** Shadowed Superhero  
 **Chapter 4:** Free Falling  
 **Author:** vegawriters  
 **Fandom:** Law and Order: SVU  
 **Pairing:** Elliot/Olivia; Elliot/Kathy; Alex/Olivia  
 **Genre:** Case file/angst/romance  
 **Timeframe:** Post Zebras – Early Season 11  
 **Rating:** Adult  
 **A/N:** Many, many thank you to my betas. They know this show better than I do. (2) This is NOT a crossover, but for Silk Stalkings fans, you should recognize one of the characters. (3) A hint to my Alex/Olivia readers, this is E/O heavy but is also not the end of the story.  
 **Disclaimer:** If Law and Order BELONGED to me, you think I’d be writing fic? So no. Dick Wolf and his crew own it all, I am just taking Elliot, Olivia, Fin, and others, out to play. Now, if Mr. Wolf is looking for someone to write his L &O novel tie-ins … I’m totally there. Just sayin.

 **Summary:** _Each smack against the heavy bag jolted her back. The kickback forcing resistance to build muscle. She pounded, angry, angry at the insanity around her, at her inability to make a decision about her love life, angry at Elliot and Alex and her mother and her father and Harris and Anderson and the IA rats who were still going to try to bury the case._

 _Bury all your secrets in my skin  
Come away with innocence, and leave me with my sins  
The air around me still feels like a cage  
And love is just a camouflage for what resembles rage again...  
~Snuff (Slipknot/All Hope is Gone)_

Alex knew she was standing there, watching Olivia interrogate Phillip Anderson, but her mind was a thousand miles away. In a prison basement at Sealview, feeling the terror Olivia must have faced that night when Harris shoved her to her knees. And Olivia was, staring down one of her tormentors, and her heart swelled. It was moments like this that reminded her why she wanted this unit. Years ago it had been an assignment, one she’d taken because it was her job. Now it was a passion. Now it mattered. And despite her personal issues with how easily the SVU team could bend the rules of law, they got the job done.

She watched Elliot pace like a caged tiger behind Anderson, coming closer and closer without ever touching their perp. Olivia leaned against the window, her occasional movements making the chain across the bullet proof glass creak. Her holster and badge were in full display, right at Anderson’s eyelevel. This was them at their best: taunting their suspect into confession without actually demanding it. Just letting the tension build and build.

Even the union rep was nervous.

She had to grin. They had him, dead to rights.

“Now you said,” Olivia shook her head, “that you never arrested Kellen Ridgeland.”

“I didn’t! There’s no record of it!”

“But, somehow,” Olivia’s tone was bored as she perused the file in her hands, “somehow her hair ended up in your squad car. How do you think that happened, Officer Anderson?”

His head flipped up and he tensed.

“Yeah, after Ms. Ridgeland identified you as her attacker, we were able to get a warrant to search your car and your apartment. Gotta tell you, it’s a veritable fountain of information. Did you know that no matter how hard you scrub, you can’t get blood out and even the tiniest speck of blood can give us enough information to link you to any number of crimes.”

“Hold on a second –“

But Olivia ignored the union rep. “And what amazes me is that the blood in your squad car’s backseat isn’t a link at all to Kellen Ridgeland. It does, however, match another open homicide. Marley Flescher. Imagine that. Two kids who were at the protest the other night. What, did they question your manhood?” Olivia snapped the file shut. “We all know how you hate it when that happens.”

Anderson was seething, ready to lunge for her. Olivia held her ground and Alex realized the strategic positioning against the window. It allowed Olivia to be completely dominant while standing at a very safe distance. She used to get up right in their faces. How many more of her interrogation tactics had changed since Sealview or was it just because of who Anderson was?

Again the union rep piped up. “Detective Benson, you’d better have something better than a scared little girl’s identification and blood that is circumstantial at best. Ms. Ridgeland could have seen him at the protest and linked him to her rapist later.”

“We also searched your apartment, Officer Anderson. Tell me,” Olivia tossed a pile of pictures onto the table the top two showed a jacket that clearly belonged to a teenage boy and a bracelet that Kellen had listed missing when her belongings were given back to her. “If having items that belonged to both Kellen Ridgeland and Marley Flescher in your apartment is also a coincidence?”

Alex watched Anderson squirm. He stared at the evidence of the murder he’d committed. But, she worried that while they had evidence enough to convict him for killing Marley, there wasn’t enough to get him for the rape of Kellen Ridgeland.

They had to fix that.

Quickly she rapped on the door. The detectives left Anderson facing the photographic truths of his crime and joined her on the other side of the glass. “What’s up?” Elliot glanced through the two-way. “We’ve got him.”

“For Marley. Without a confession, we don’t have enough evidence to win at a rape trial.”

“Can we indict?”

“We can. But his lawyer will poke through holes in any prosecution I can come up with. Even with the bracelet in evidence. We need more.”

“Like what?”

“Someone else to confirm a history of this kind of behavior.”

“Someone other than me,” Olivia said softly. “But,” she sighed and leaned against the window, “what about Harris?”

“Harris?” Elliot stared at her.

“Why not? They worked together at Sealview and if Harris gives us something …” Olivia closed her eyes and Alex took half a step forward, not liking this idea at all, even if it was a good one.

“We can offer him something benign. Something that won’t actually let him out early. A note of cooperation in his file, something to sell to the parole board when his time comes up but nothing that will give him a pass.”

“Will the word of a convicted rapist really stand up in court?” Elliot seemed dubious.

“It will if it is to corroborate a pattern of behavior and if we don’t have anything the defense can hold over us in his interrogation. Keep it clean and don’t offer anything other than the note of cooperation. With all luck we won’t have to use it in court but it’s something we can just hold over Anderson’s head.”

“All right,” Olivia took a breath and pushed off the wall. “Let’s do it.”

***

Olivia could barely breathe. She’d faced Harris before, at his arrest, at his trial, and at his sentencing, but in the guise of the cop who had arrested him. She’d testified to chain of custody and evidence, all the while shaking with rage because what he did to her couldn’t be submitted for the prosecution. She’d run a clean investigation, she knew it and the brass knew it. As usual, they were covering their asses. But that was beside the point right now. Harris was in prison for rape and other women had come forward after his arrest and the warden had been more than happy to help in the investigation.

But there were moments when Olivia wanted the closure for herself.

Chewing on the inside of her cheek, she watched the guards bring Harris in. Behind her, Elliot stood, proud and strong, projecting the image of complete control. She knew she could protect herself, she had protected herself against Harris, but Elliot’s presence soothed her just enough to let her function.

Facing your attacker was always the most difficult part. It wasn’t until she’d had to face Harris over and over again, knowing that he wouldn’t go to jail for what he did to her, that she truly understood what the victims went through. It was then that she’d stopped referring to them in her mind as survivors. She’d been a victim, and it had taken a long time for her to accept that.

“Talk to me about Anderson,” she said, avoiding pleasantries. Looking him in the eye, even after all this time, was difficult. But she refused to let him win.

“And why should I do that?”

“Because the lady asked nicely,” Elliot growled from behind her.

“She’s got a habit of doing that,” Harris hissed again. “She tell you, partner, how she asked nicely for me to take her to the basement back at Sealview?”

Olivia bit the inside of her cheek so hard it bled, but she refused to let Harris see her terror. Instead she rolled her eyes and leaned back in the chair. Fake confidence until it’s real. It was the number one rule in interrogation. “Cut the crap, Harris. Your buddies at Sealview are starting to buckle under the pressure and I need to know what you know about Anderson and his appetites.”

“You should know all about his appetites, baby girl.”

For a split second, Olivia stopped breathing. Channeling her fear into anger, she leaned over the table and plastered a smirk on her face. “Don’t push me, Harris. It won’t take much for me to find a way to reopen the investigation into your nearly killing a police officer. My only regret in that case is that New York doesn’t have the death penalty any longer. I’d put the needle in myself.” She took a breath and knew that all her bravado wouldn’t shake Harris, but she wasn’t going to let him win either. “Now, we aren’t here offering any deals, but we also are willing to put that note in your file that you helped us out. It could go a long way at your next disciplinary hearing.” She slammed his file down on the cold, metal table. “Anderson.”

“He’s a stand up guy,” Harris obliged the information. “What else do you want from me?”

“Information that will help us prove he raped a young girl and raped and murdered one of her male friends.”

Harris stared at her. “What I got to say won’t help me out any, so why should I talk?”

“Because you don’t want to spend the rest of your life being raped by your cell mates.”

“Who knows, Liv,” Elliot piped up from the corner, “maybe he likes it. You know, being forced down, having his buddies rip his pants down. He got off on it so much back at Sealview maybe he’s just glad that someone else is doing it to him now. Why should he help us when his sexual fantasies are being fulfilled?”

Harris jumped up to make a run at Elliot, but the cuffs on the table prevented him and he jerked back down with a grunt. Olivia chuckled and leaned forward. “Look at that. Trapped.” Her eyes darkened, “You were about to say, Harris?”

“He had his fair share.”

“Such a stand up guy.” Olivia rolled her eyes. “How come no complaints were filed when we started pressing charges against the guards?”

“He only goes after the ones who will never talk.”

“Young. Lesbian.”

“Yeah.”

“Uses a condom so he won’t get their slime all over him.”

“So he won’t get caught.” Olivia took a breath. How close had she been with Anderson? “You two worked together?”

“Yeah. After I was done I’d pass the ones who fought the most off to him.”

“The ones who would be too scared to say anything at all.”

“Yeah.”

Olivia rubbed her forehead. “You got any names for me?”

“You were friends with her there. Missy Helprin.” Harris stared at the door. “Can I go now?”

“Yeah.”

“I get that note in my jacket that I cooperated?”

“Yeah.” Olivia let out a shaking breath and then nodded at the guard positioned outside. He came in to collect his prisoner and Olivia leaned forward, her head on her arms. When the door slammed shut, she let out a shaking, shuddering breath. “Shit …” she whispered. She could feel Elliot hovering, wanting to touch her, but she couldn’t. Not now. Quickly, she gathered her things and stood up. “Let’s get out of here.”

Each step down the hallway made her knees buckle. Each clang of a cell made her jump. Elliot was too close but too far away and she couldn’t take a full breath until they were outside and at the car and she dropped the files into the trunk and fell to a crouch, steadying herself with one hand against the bumper while she fought to keep herself from vomiting. Elliot waited, unsure of what to do, and as much as she wanted him to touch her, she also needed him to keep his distance.

“Sorry,” she finally whispered. Elliot produced a water bottle from somewhere and she took it, slowly rising to her feet as she sipped at the lukewarm water in an effort to erase the metallic taste of acid from her mouth. At least she’d kept from puking. “I didn’t think that would be so hard.”

‘It’s the closest you’ve been to him since his arrest, Liv. It’s okay. Actually, you did great in there.”

“It was your reminder of what his cell mates could do to him that got him talking.”

“He talked because he was made to seem less of a man in front of you.” Elliot put his hand on her arm and she looked up and smiled. “You did good.”

“Thanks.” She sipped again at the water. “Let’s head back to the precinct.” Her phone beeped and she glanced down at the text message with the little red flag next to it. _I need to talk to you right now. Get over here._ “Or rather, why don’t you drop me at Alex’s office.”

“What’s up?”

“I think I’m about to get a lecture from our ADA.”

“What for?”

“Hell if I know, Elliot.” She laughed, finding her confidence again. “Why don’t I drop you off and go talk to Alex and then I’ll swing by and talk to Missy. She trusts me.”

“All right.”

***

  
Alex stared at her. She wanted to be angry. She wanted to curse and spit and rail about unprofessional conduct and conflicts of interest, but all she could do was sit there and stare and try to not let her worries betray her. “You have to hand this case over to another set of detectives, Olivia.”

“Alex …”

“No. God, no. Don’t sit there and argue with me. Do you think I want to risk this bastard not going to jail because our detectives were too close to the case? Especially when we have him? Do you want IAB to see what is in this file? I know they don’t have it. No one does.”

“Kellen trusts me, Alex.”

“Olivia what happened at Sealview?”

“Officially? Nothing.”

“Olivia …” Alex moved to sit with her on the couch. “Please, tell me.” She reached out to touch Olivia’s cheek and when the other woman flinched, Alex dropped her hand. “Please.”

“Leave it alone, Alex. Officially nothing happened and IAB has cleared me to work on this case.” Olivia leaned back into the small couch and put her hands over her eyes. “I still can’t talk about it Alex, not really.”

“I read the file. The one no one is supposed to see. I read your narrative.”

“I wish you hadn’t.”

“It was given to me by my boss so that I could better understand this case. And despite Kellen’s ID of Anderson, we don’t have a confession and without any other forensic evidence, this is going to look like a witch hunt and I don’t want that for the department and I really don’t want it for you.”

“Elliot and I just came back from visiting Harris. Like you wanted us to.”

Alex sighed, hating herself. “What did you learn?”

“We pumped him for information on Anderson.”

“What did he say?”

“Harris gave us a name of a prisoner who can give us information about what Anderson did to her. He also said that Anderson had a habit of going after the lesbians. Which, makes sense considering everything he said to me whenever he had me in a choke hold.”

“What do you mean?”

“I never saw it, but the rumor mill was that he would force female inmates to have sex with each other in return for easier punishments and better treatment.”

“God. What the hell was happening at that prison?”

“Hell may be the right word for it.”

Alex leaned forward, her elbows on her knees, her head in her hands. She needed to know, needed to hear it from Olivia. But Olivia wasn’t talking. Not that she blamed her. She wouldn’t talk either. “Was your interrogation of Harris clean?”

“Yes.”

“What did you offer him?”

“The note of cooperation.”

“And what did you threaten him with?”

“A reopening of the case I filed.”

Alex paused for a minute but then chuckled. “Never let it be said that you don’t have stones, Liv.”

They looked at each other for a long moment before Alex stood up and walked back to her desk. “Okay. You and Elliot can proceed. Make the case but make it stick. I’m not …” She sighed, “I’m not putting you through the hell of arresting him only to have it fall apart. Okay?”

“Yeah.”

“And someday, Via…”

“Yeah?”

“Please tell me the whole story.”

“I will.” Olivia stood up. “I need to get back to my desk.”

“Okay.”

***

  
Each smack against the heavy bag jolted her back. The kickback forced resistance through her body and built up her muscle. She pounded, angry, angry at the insanity around her, at her inability to make a decision about her love life, angry at Elliot and Alex and her mother and her father and Harris and Anderson and the IA rats who were still going to try to bury the case even if she somehow she came up with photographic evidence of Anderson killing someone.

Someone had handed over the file after Alex requested it, a file that was supposed to stay sealed. Someone had revealed her secret. Someone had told more than she wanted told and more than the Union Reps for the Corrections department wanted revealed. No one was supposed to have that file. No one. Not even Elliot knew all the details and she sure as hell didn’t want it coming out in an evidentiary hearing or in some conference room. She didn’t know if she could look at Judge Petrovsky or Judge Miller or god help her, Judge Donnelley. What would Elizabeth think of her?

She slammed her hand so hard into the bag, she finally heard herself scream and she collapsed back onto the bench, tugging off the gloves and examining her red and mangled fingers.

How long had she been down here?

A quick glance at her phone showed her it was two in the morning. No calls had come in and she was too wired for paperwork. It was probably better she worked out her frustrations here, on the heavy bag. At least it was better than on her locker, which had been the most obvious step but she and Elliot weren’t that much alike. It was his MO, not hers.

“I think even Mike Tyson would think twice before messing with you.”

She jumped and spun, completely on alert, her hands primed at the ready. Elliot stood behind her, his hands raised. “Hey …” she finally managed after she caught her breath.

“Didn’t mean to scare you. You feeling better?”

“Not really.” Olivia sank back onto the bench and Elliot came to sit behind her. She shivered as he ran his hands up and down her arms.

“You want to talk to me?”

“Not really.” She took a deep breath and indicated the bag. “I just needed to see a therapist.”

“Yeah, it’s a good one.” His strong arms gently pulled her back against his chest and she went willingly, relishing his strength for a moment. Just a moment. “I went down to the crib but I couldn’t sleep.”

“It’s the last night on this fucking shift. We’ll be back to normal tomorrow.”

“Yeah.” What he didn’t say to her spoke volumes. They’d be off this rotation and hopefully this strange case that had opened all kinds of doors would be closed and they could just go back to being Olivia and Elliot. Partners and best friends. Two people with a history but not a future. She could figure out if she wanted to try and start over again with Alex and he could continue on with Kathy and they would forget this week of strangeness.

Olivia Benson – detective with the Twilight Zone, precinct 16.

She laughed softly and pulled away, standing up to get her water bottle that she’d kicked over sometime while she was taking her frustrations out on the bag.

“What?”

“I just feel like it’s the only appropriate response to completely going crazy.”

“You aren’t going crazy, Liv.”

“Just feels like it.” She shrugged and looked over at him with a smile. “I don’t know why, but this case has just turned me upside down.”

“Couldn’t have anything to do with the fact that we’ve had to dig up what happened at Sealview.”

“Anderson used to call me ‘baby girl’. Can you believe that?” She didn’t know where the confession came from. “It was cause I was the new one on the block.”

“Liv …”

“Baby girl. My mom used to call me that when she was really drunk.” She closed her eyes and leaned back against the wall of the gym. “She’d wave the bottle of vodka in my direction and call me her baby girl and …” She took a deep breath. “I hate feeling like this.”

“Like what?”

“Confused. Upset. Unsure about the direction a case is going. I went to see Kellen today, just to check on her. She is so haunted, Elliot. So frightened. She’s scared we’re going to let him go.”

“What about you?”

“What about me what?”

“Are you scared we’re going to let him go?”

Olivia sighed and closed her eyes. “Terrified.”

“Why did you come back?”

“What do you mean?”

“By all rights, you should have moved to a different unit after Sealview. Why did you come back to a world that could trigger your memories like this case is?”

“Because I had to. Because for the first time, I really got it, you know. I’ve been doing this job eleven years and I have first hand knowledge of what rape can do to a family and it wasn’t until my first case after Sealview that I really got it.”

Elliot was on his feet now, approaching her, and she braced her hand on his chest when he loomed over her. His hand covered hers. “We’ve got him. He’s in the tombs and tomorrow, Alex will have his ass for arraignment. Petrovsky doesn’t care about the blue wall.”

“No, but …” Olivia pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes. “God, I feel so selfish, Elliot. Kellen is suffering and all I can think about is how I never want to face Harris or Anderson again.”

“Liv, they assaulted you. Harris almost killed you and if Anderson had ever got his hands on you …”

“But I can’t testify to that because it’s been buried, Elliot!” She pulled away and walked back to the bag and took a swing with her bare knuckles. “The system buried the truth! They buried how Harris dragged me into the basement and how I had to fight for my life and I’m trained to protect myself and there was nothing I could do. Nothing. Nothing but submit.” She hit the bag again. “And now his buddy is going down for a murder and a rape that could have been stopped if my testimony had been allowed!” Olivia sank to the bench and cradled her sore hand. “I failed myself and Kellen and Marley and Lizzie. God, what Lizzie is going through right now …”

“Lizzie will survive.” Elliot came forward and gently brushed her hair out of her face. “And so will you.”

“I’m tired of just surviving, Elliot.” Olivia leaned forward into his arms. “I’m just tired of it.”

“You do more than that, Olivia. You just aren’t feeling it right now thanks to having to face Harris today.” He leaned back and took her battered hand and raised it to his lips.

She laughed cynically and shook her head. “Elliot …” But before she could protest further, his lips landed on hers.

Kissing him was an addiction. One taste and all her work to distance herself from him and the memory of what it was like to be lucky enough to be his lover was completely destroyed as he washed over her. He picked up where they’d left off on the roof, with his hands sliding under her t-shirt and her moving to give him access and she didn’t remember how she ended up against the wall of lockers in the back of the gym, with the cold metal pressing into her bare back, just that she did. He whispered her name in between kisses he planted to her neck and upper chest and the expanse of her stomach and her knees buckled. For the first time in a long, long time, despite the dangerous place in which they were doing this, she felt safe. Not even with Kurt, who had been so kind, so sweet, so patient with her fears, had she felt so comfortable.

Her mind screamed at her, reminding her of Kathy and the kids and Alex and that their lives were under scrutiny right now and if they got busted it would ruin everything. As usual, her body told her mind to shut the hell up and she arched against him as rose from his knees and braced himself on his arms.

“Turn around,” he whispered, and she shivered at the feral look in his eyes. Willingly, she complied.

One strong arm braced her against his chest while his other hand slid down past the barriers of her workout pants and her already soaked underwear. His thick, familiar fingers moved lower, parting her, stroking her, and she bit back the whimper that bubbled out of her. Anyone could come in at any time. Elliot pressed against her, his erection hard against her back and when she squirmed, creating friction, he growled playfully and held her still. She submitted, something she’d never done well, and even less so since Sealview, but Elliot wouldn’t hurt her. His lips nibbled at her neck while his fingers worked her and she gave herself completely over to him.

“Let go, Liv,” he whispered gently, his teeth nipping at her earlobe, his fingers toying with her clit, “I’ve got you.”

She completely shattered.

Olivia had forgotten what it felt like to come back to earth in his arms. To be cradled gently against his strong, muscular chest, to have his lips caress her temple. She bent her knees slightly and pulled away, turning and leaning back against the lockers. Gently, he stroked her hair out of her face. “Hey …” he whispered.

“Hi.” She smiled. Again, her mind spoke, reminding her that returning the favor was a stupid idea. It could only lead to pain down the road, for all of them. But she missed him and he clearly missed her and it was stupid and it was crazy and all she wanted was him. Gently, she reached out and pulled at his shirt front, bringing him closer to her. Her fingers moved to his zipper on his pants and carefully undid the metal and she freed him from his constraints. “Elliot …”

Again, his lips closed on hers and he pushed up against her and Olivia stopped giving two shits about if anyone walked in and found them.

***

  
It was a comforting sense of pride, she realized, to be sitting in the back of the room, watching the beginnings of justice. She watched Anderson, shamed into submission, enter his last desperate not guilty plea. She listened to Alex push for high bail and get her way. And when Anderson turned around and caught her eye, the last of his fight left him. Olivia knew that by the end of the day he’d plead out and get his lesser time but it would save the department and all of their asses. She’d have to sit through one more IA interview to prove that her connection to Anderson hadn’t effected her judgement on the case. She could go to Kellen Ridgeland and tell her that her rapist had been arrested and was going to sit in jail for a long, long time. She could even face Marley Flescher’s defiant and angry parents and let them know that their son could rest in peace because his killer had been caught. Women at Sealview had one more bit of closure.

For the first time since the case had begun, Olivia knew she’d be able to sleep when she crawled into bed.

But first she had one special trip to make.

***

  
The dim glow of the bulb over the table cast shadows around the comfortable room. Olivia leaned forward, her hand covering Lizzie’s. “He’s been arrested and arraigned, Lizzie and late this afternoon, he and his lawyer agreed to a plea bargain.”

“What does that mean? Is Kellen safe now?”

“Well,” Olivia glanced at Elliot, who nodded. Lizzie needed to know the truth. “Yes. And unless something happens to change evidence, everything will be closed by the end of the week.”

“So we’re okay?”

A soft smile touched Olivia’s eyes. Lizzie was going to be okay and Elliot had already moved through his own issues regarding her sexuality. There were mistakes to be made, but he was trying, and that was all that mattered. She stood up and gave her a hug. “I should get going. You guys want to get dinner on the table.” Gathering her purse and her coat, Olivia glanced again at Elliot, who just offered a smile. Any guilt from the other night had ebbed and in its place was acceptance. Neither of them knew if it would happen again or what they’d been thinking, but she knew she didn’t regret it and she was sure Elliot didn’t either. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Elliot.”

“Bright and early.”

She made it to the door and was half-way down the steps when Lizzie’s voice stopped her.

“Olivia, wait.”

She paused and turned around, regarding the young woman with the same gentle smile she’d been giving her since she was just a little girl, small enough to hide in closets and jump out, scaring her. A girl she, unwittingly, thought of as a daughter, even though the feelings were always kept locked tightly away. They were Kathy’s feelings to have, not hers. “Yeah, Lizzie?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“You can ask me anything.”

Lizzie sighed and pointed to the steps. Together, they sat. Lizzie tucked her hands into her sweatshirt and stared up at the night sky. Behind them, the American flag that graced the porch fluttered slightly. “Are you gay?”

Olivia chuckled and leaned against the porch railing. “Your father wanted me to come and talk to you about that. I wanted to wait until things were settled for you. And the answer is that I don’t classify myself like that. I date both men and women.”

Tucking around herself, Lizzie stared at her. “What attracts you?”

“To women or to people?”

“People.”

“I like strength and confidence. I like people who know who they are. And I like that in both men and women.”

“It makes sense. I mean, I like girls only, I know that.” Lizzie laughed, “But if I were to date both …” She paused, carefully, and Olivia wasn’t quite sure she heard the words that came from her next. “Is it why you had an affair with my father?”

Olivia sighed and leaned forward, her hands on her knees. “One of the many reasons.”

“You aren’t denying it?”

“I won’t insult you like that. Not here. Not in a conversation like this. Yes, we had an affair. While your parents were separated. We never touched each other until then and your father ended it. He wanted to go back to your mother.”

“He wanted to come back to us,” Lizzie said softly. “I know he loves mom, but he came back for us. Their marriage ended a long time ago.”

Despite the knot in her stomach and the flare of guilt she’d vowed to not feel after the other night in the gym, Olivia deciding to not placate Lizzie with empty platitudes. “I don’t know if it has ended, Lizzie. Yes, your father loves your mother, but no, I don’t know if he’s in love with her anymore.”

“It’s because he’s in love with you.”

“I wouldn’t go there, Lizzie. I think it’s hard for people who don’t do our jobs to understand what it is that we live and see every day. Your father and I have seen more horror than anyone else ever could understand and it scares other people away. We see the very worst of what humanity does to each other. He wanted to protect your family from that horror and as a result, he pushes you away.”

“And you guys got closer.”

“We did.”

“Are you seeing him again?”

Olivia took a deep breath, wondering if this was where she stopped telling the truth. Were they seeing each other? Did the kiss from the other night and his hand down her pants last night count as seeing each other again? Had her sobs of orgasm as he slid his fingers in and out of her body brought them back together? “It’s complicated, Lizzie.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean it’s complicated. I love your father,” she said softly, “I love him more than I thought I could ever love anyone. I don’t know if I’m in love with him. I don’t think I am. I do think we’re too close and so that complicates things even further because I am closer to your father than I’ve been to almost any of my lovers. But, I would never, never do anything intentionally to drive your family apart.”

“I know. I also know that he loves you too.”

“I know he does.”

“I heard him say it once. We were staying with him one weekend when he and mom were split up and I got up to go to the bathroom and I heard his voice.”

Olivia shivered, remembering that night. He’d called to say good night and they’d spent an hour playing with phone sex. She hoped Lizzie hadn’t heard her father’s part in that.

“He was talking really soft and his voice was all breathy, but he said I love you … and … somehow, even though I wanted it to be, I knew he wasn’t talking to mom.”

“I’m sorry, Lizzie.”

“For what? If you hadn’t been the one, he’d have found something else, done something else. I mean … I don’t like it, but at least it was you. And it’s not like you did it while they were married. You’d never do anything to intentionally hurt dad.”

“Never.”

“And don’t worry. I don’t think Dickie knows anything other than his own ass and Kathleen is too wrapped up in herself and Maureen is her own pile of drama.”

Olivia chuckled soberly. “Lizzie, no matter what is going on between your mom and your dad or even your dad and me, it doesn’t change how much he loves you and your brothers and sisters. And it doesn’t change how much I know he does love your mother. They’ve been through a lot together and it’s a life I’ve never shared with your father. You have to give them that credit, okay? They’re trying.”

“You know …” Lizzie shrugged, “I guess I really wish it hadn’t been you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I wish you hadn’t been partnered to dad. If you hadn’t been, he could have just had an affair with you and got it out of his system. We all expected that. But you’re there. Every day. And we like you. We all like you. You go to games and recitals and … and when I was a kid it was easy to think of you as just Aunt Olivia. You’re more than that.”

“Lizzie, I’m sorry.”

“For what?” She shrugged, “Someone had to love Dad and Mom … Mom was okay for a while. But then he stopped talking to her.”

“I know.” Olivia reached out to rub Lizzie’s back, but a familiar car pulling into the driveway stopped her. She stood, offering what respect she could to her partner’s wife, and moved out of the way. “I’ll see you later, Lizzie.”

“Thanks, Olivia.”

Olivia headed down the stairs, determined to not look back at the house, through the walls to where she knew Elliot was sitting inside, no doubt wondering what they were talking about. Kathy leveled her with the familiar glare and for the first time in a long time, Olivia met her gaze evenly. She didn’t smile, didn’t smirk, she just nodded. There wasn’t much else she could do.

 _TBC …_


	6. fan fic post: Law and Order: SVU - Shadowed Superhero Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _They both laughed and allowed themselves to move in silence to the music around them. Olivia sighed. It felt right, just dancing with him. No strings, no connections. Just the best friends they were, finding new ways to forge through frightening forests. Falling into bed together had been a mistake, but one that wasn’t the end of them. In fact, it was almost a new beginning, a chance to start over. It brought them closer and someday, it might be the basis for something completely different, but right now, it was what it was and she was happy with it._

_**fan fic post: Law and Order: SVU - Shadowed Superhero Epilogue**_  
 **Series:** Shadowed Superhero  
 **Epilogue:** Closure  
 **Author:** [](http://vegawriters.livejournal.com/profile)[**vegawriters**](http://vegawriters.livejournal.com/)  
 **Fandom:** Law and Order: SVU  
 **Pairing:** Elliot/Olivia; Elliot/Kathy; Alex/Olivia  
 **Genre:** Case file/angst/romance  
 **Timeframe:** Post Zebras – Early Season 11  
 **Rating:** Adult  
 **A/N:** Many, many thank you to my betas. They know this show better than I do. (2) This is NOT a crossover, but for Silk Stalkings fans, you should recognize one of the characters.  
 **Disclaimer:** If Law and Order BELONGED to me, you think I’d be writing fic? So no. Dick Wolf and his crew own it all, I am just taking Elliot, Olivia, Fin, and others, out to play. Now, if Mr. Wolf is looking for someone to write his L &O novel tie-ins … I’m totally there. Just sayin.

 **Summary:** _They both laughed and allowed themselves to move in silence to the music around them. Olivia sighed. It felt right, just dancing with him. No strings, no connections. Just the best friends they were, finding new ways to forge through frightening forests. Falling into bed together had been a mistake, but one that wasn’t the end of them. In fact, it was almost a new beginning, a chance to start over. It brought them closer and someday, it might be the basis for something completely different, but right now, it was what it was and she was happy with it._

She knew better. They knew better. But she was a product of twenty-five years of sexual behavior and her first instinct was to jump in headfirst and ask questions and make no excuses later. The quintessential cop – love em, leave em, break their hearts in the process.

It was so rarely her own heart got broken in the process.

Alex. Elliot. Even Kurt to an extent but she’d known going in it wasn’t going to last. The minute he wanted commitment, she fled. Her MO was classic, carved in stone, stereotypical and trite. Forty-one years old and never married and more lovers than she cared to think about.

Rebecca. Brian. And that stint with the guy from Legal Aid. What was his name? Ethan. Mark. Lisa. Tommy. And that woman from the ACLU. Paula…

Poster-girl for the bisexuals can’t commit to anything but sex cause.

Little did they know she’d been ready. Ready to wrap herself around Alex and let it last forever. Ready to cling to Elliot, no matter the end result.

Now, she didn’t know what she was doing. It wasn’t uncommon, but this time, with him, she hated what the end might bring. Not because she wanted to go out and forge a new life with him, but because she didn’t want him hurt because of what they were doing. She didn’t want him lying to Kathy and she didn’t want to jeopardize their partnership and she didn’t want to lose Alex.

Elliot lay next to her, his hand tracing lazy patterns on her back. The bedroom smelled of sex and sweat and lingering laughter from when they’d crashed through the door and fallen in a tangled tumble onto her bed.

“You ready to talk to me?” His voice was gentle, not pushing but wanting answers. “What’s going on in that head of yours? Why did you pull away like you did earlier?”

“Harris cuffed me, Elliot.” She finally choked the whisper out. “When he finally caught up to me and trapped me, he cuffed me to the door,” she didn’t try to stop the tears from flowing. “He cuffed me and threatened me and … and looked down at me, exposed and hard, and told me he’d kill me if I bit him and I looked him in the eyes and knew he meant it. But what was worse was that I was dead no matter what I did. He was going to kill me. That’s what scared me more than anything, I think. He was going to violate me and then he was going to kill me.”

“So that’s why you freaked out when I trapped your hands above your head.”

“Yeah.” She almost laughed. “Sex has been kind of boring ever since I was assaulted.”

“Boring? You?”

Olivia chuckled. “Well, more vanilla than I was used to.”

The comment hung between them before she dissolved into giggles and he followed suit. They laughed, long and hard, and she rolled over and buried into his hard chest. He clung to her while they laughed and she held on for dear life; her anchor in the ever tumbling storm of their lives. When the laughter died down and all she could hear was his heartbeat thudding against her ear, she pushed off his chest and looked down at him, pulling her sheet up to cover her breasts.

“This shouldn’t happen again,” she whispered, her fingers trailing down the crevice between his pecs. She loved this spot on his chest, loved trailing her tongue down it, feeling how he’d harden beneath her, how she could completely control him with it.

“It probably shouldn’t have happened the first time,” he whispered.

“How did it happen?”

“Which time?”

“The very first time.”

“I don’t know. I stopped analyzing it when you disappeared into that undercover operation. I figured you couldn’t handle it. Maybe you were right.”

“It wasn’t why I went, Elliot.”

“Yes, it was. It’s okay, Olivia.” He ran his fingers down her bare arm and she shivered. “I was angry, but I think you were also right to run. If you hadn’t, we’d have tried to keep going and in the places we were then, it would have ruined not only our relationship but eventually our friendship. It hurt, but we moved through it and I think in the end, we are stronger.”

“I hope so.” She leaned down and kissed him softly. She pulled out of bed and reached for her robe, wrapping it around herself. “Come on. Let’s grab a shower before we meet the gang down at Mulligan’s to celebrate the end of the case.”

“You’re asking me to join you in the shower?” He chuckled. “Right after you told me that what we’re doing here shouldn’t happen again?”

“Shut up.” Olivia laughed. “It’s your final offer, Stabler. Take it or leave it.” She giggled as he grabbed her from behind and all but pushed her into the shower.

They were going to be okay.

***

The noise of the bar was a quiet din around them as Olivia and Elliot made their way through the crowd to where Fin, Munch, and Cragen sat, nursing a mostly empty pitcher of beer. Olivia tucked her hair behind her ear and slid into a seat at the table they’d appropriated. “Where’s Alex?”

“On her way. Had a last minute motion in another case to look at. She promised she was coming.” Fin gave her a nod. “Good work on this case, Liv. I know it was a rough one.”

“Thanks.” The detectives shared a smile, knowing that on this case, they had a bond no one else could understand. He’d saved her life at Sealview and since then had found himself more her guardian angel than even Elliot could claim. Fin knew how’d she’d looked, what she’d been through, and what he’d done to try and close out the case so she could get the closure and justice she deserved.

“I’ll get the next round,” Elliot handed Olivia his coat and disappeared back through the crowd.

Olivia leaned forward on the table and watched the goings on of the cops around them. It was so hard to bust bad cops, to face that in this family that protected the city from itself, there were those who actively hurt others. She had her moments, she knew, when she took an interrogation too far or when she wanted to just take that extra step when arresting someone, when she wanted to tighten the cuffs a bit too tight or not take any precautions for the perp’s head as she put him or her into the back of the car. But she never wanted to actively go after the men and women she was sworn to protect. She meant every word of her oath and even if she ever stopped chasing the bad guys, she’d still mean it.

Elliot emerged from the bar holding some glasses and a new pitcher of beer. Alex trailed behind him, also carrying a pitcher. She’d changed from her court clothes into a pair of dark jeans and a long sleeved gray shirt that in the dim light of the bar made her seem ghostly as she poured beer for the table.

Olivia grinned, “Before she sits down, let us all raise a toast to Alex Cabot, the ADA who wrangled IAB, the Corrections Union, the Police Officer’s Union, the defense, and more to get a rapist and murderer out of uniform and off the streets. A lesser attorney would have handed this case off to someone else and let the shit fall on the officers who arrested him.”

“A lesser attorney doesn’t have to kick your asses all the time,” Alex grinned but accepted the raised glasses with grace. “Thank you to you guys too. Your work was solid. For once.” The table erupted in laughter.

As Olivia took a sip of her beer, Carlos Santana came across the speakers in the bar and Elliot put his hand in front of her. “Dance with me, Detective Benson.”

“It’s a pleasure, Stabler.” She jumped to her feet and followed him onto the dance floor.

Alex watched them walk off and moved around to Fin’s side of the table. She tipped her beer to him and took a sip before leaning in close. “Thank you,” she whispered.

“For what?”

“Saving her life. Back at Sealview.” When Fin threw her a surprised look, Alex just nodded. “I’ve seen the file. The real one. The one that got buried.”

Fin just shrugged. “I got her back the same way she has mine. I just wish,” he took a sip of his drink, “I could have got there sooner.”

“You saved her life. That’s what matters.”

Fin smiled and tipped his beer back at her before taking another sip. The conversation at the table turned to where the Giants would go this season and for a few hours, police work was forgotten.

Elliot spun Olivia into his arms and held her tightly, one arm around her waist, the other cradling her hand against his chest. “You did good on this case, Liv.”

“Thanks. So did you.”

“I was thinking …”

But Olivia shook her head. “Don’t think, Elliot. Don’t. We did what we did and I think we needed to, for whatever reason. But you need a life away from the precinct and away from me. Right now, you need Kathy and the kids and your house in Queens.”

“Sounds like you’ve been doing enough thinking for the both of us.” He chuckled and spun her again before pulling her back into the same position.

“It’s a habit. You’re the brawn, I’m the brains.” They both laughed and allowed themselves to move in silence to the music around them. Olivia sighed. It felt right, just dancing with him. No strings, no connections. Just the best friends they were, finding new ways to forge through frightening forests. Falling into bed together had been a mistake, but one that wasn’t the end of them. In fact, it was almost a new beginning, a chance to start over. It brought them closer and someday, it might be the basis for something completely different, but right now, it was what it was and she was happy with it.

“Don’t walk away from her, Liv,” Elliot whispered so softly, she almost thought she’d imagined his breath against her ear.

“What?”

Elliot came to a stop and nodded subtly back to where Alex had pulled her hair into a pony tail and settled her glasses squarely on her nose and was arguing some point with Cragen. Olivia’s heart raced.

Alex. The first person she’d been willing to change it all for. Before witness protection and drug dealers and Elliot and Sealview. Before her life had taken a turn for the impossible. With a smile, Olivia leaned up and kissed Elliot on the cheek and moved back through the crowd to the table with her squad. Claiming the seat next to Alex, she poured herself another beer and scooted her chair just closer to her former girlfriend. Alex looked at her, a question in her eyes, and smiled when Olivia subtly nodded her head to the door. It was their old signal. Someone would nod, the other person would wait ten minutes before leaving. They’d meet up at the apartment of whoever had initiated the leaving. Alex squeezed her leg under the table and then turned back to arguing the finer points of Jets versus Giants defense.

Elliot joined in, arguing right back.

Olivia just leaned back and listened and smiled.

Yes. They were all going to be okay.

***

Alex pushed up from the wall outside the bar as Olivia emerged into the cool night, still shrugging into her leather jacket. The detective caught her eye and smiled. “You should have just met me back at my place.”

“Didn’t want you walking all by yourself.”

Olivia laughed and fell into step beside her. Alex watched her out of the corner of her eye, wondering exactly what she was doing here. There had been no sign from Olivia that she wanted the other night to be anything more than what it had been. So why were they falling into old patterns and heading back to her apartment?

Alex stopped. “Olivia, wait.”

Olivia turned slowly and tilted her head at her. “What is it, Alex?”

“Where is this going?”

“Back to my apartment.”

“For another quick screw? We used to mean more to each other than that.”

“How about to talk?” Olivia took cautious steps forward. “Just talk. We’ll have a glass of wine and figure it out from there. I don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship again. But I am ready to talk. Really talk.”

Alex wanted to grab her and kiss her, but they were in the middle of their own precinct and she wasn’t about to out either of them in a stupid, emotional move. Even if a stupid, emotional move seemed to be what they both needed. Instead she nodded and let a small smile touch her lips as they fell into step together.

“It’s going to be a long winter,” Olivia said, tucking deeper into her jacket.

“I think we’ll get through it.”

“You know, there’s a flu bug going around.”

“There’s always a flu bug going around.”

“I’ve been dreaming of taking my vacation time all together and going to the Bahamas.”

“My family has a condo down there.” Alex smiled. “They adopted a couple of stray cats last year.”

“I bought a ’65 Mustang last year.”

Alex snorted. “You want to let me take her for a spin, babe?”

She didn’t have to look over to see Olivia grinning. “I don’t know. She’s kind of hard to handle.”

“I think I can manage.” Alex stepped closer and, brazenly, slid her arm around Olivia’s waist. “After all, I’ve been through worse.”

When Olivia sighed and put her head on her shoulder, Alex knew everything was going to be okay.  


***

For a brief moment, Elliot felt a stab of guilt as he crossed the threshold into the kitchen. He’d betrayed Kathy and the kids and there was no getting around it. But in doing so, he’d come to realize that no matter what had led him to Olivia’s bed, he also belonged right here. Whatever would happen between him and Olivia or Olivia and Alex or him and Kathy, none of it mattered. What mattered right now was the smell of garlic in the air and the sound of Eli pounding away on one of his toys and the sight of Kathy stretched out on the couch, a book on her chest as she dozed. Sliding out of his coat, Elliot hung it on the hook by the door and moved across the room to kneel at Kathy’s side. Gently, he kissed her awake.

“Hey, babe.” He meant it.

“Hey.” Kathy sat up suddenly. “I dozed off. Wow.”

“You probably needed it.”

“You’re home for dinner. I’m surprised.”

“We closed the case. I’d have been home earlier but we went for a beer to celebrate.” Elliot said with a smile. “Anderson pled out to rape and murder two and he’s in jail for a long time now. Kellen and Lizzie are safe.”

Kathy reached up and touched his cheek. Elliot leaned into the familiar smell of the lotion she’d been using since before they met. This was home. This was safe. This was what he needed and whether or not he was passionately in love with his wife any more didn’t matter. They loved each other. They had history and stability and they needed that. He needed that. No matter what else happened, no matter where things went, right now was what was important.

“Good.” Her lips grazed his and Elliot deepened the kiss. She was wearing new lip gloss, something sweet with a tang of honey.

“Where are the kids?” He asked, pulling back.

“Dickie is out with one of his friends. Lizzie’s at play practice.”

“She made it to practice?” Elliot smiled. “Good.”

“So it’s just us?”

“Us and the little version of you,” Kathy stood up quickly and grabbed for the picture album Eli had somehow managed to get his hands on. Elliot grabbed for Eli and balanced him on his hip. “There’s a few minutes before dinner. Why don’t you go wash up?”

“All right.”

For a long moment, Elliot held Kathy’s gaze. Almost twenty-five years of kids and college and jobs and heartache and worry and love passed between them. Finally, Kathy smiled and walked over. She placed a kiss on his cheek. “Elliot,” she whispered, “it’s okay.”

And he knew she meant more than the job or their marriage or the kids or Kellen or Lizzie or Dickie’s problems at school or Kathleen’s inability to completely settle down or Maureen’s new boyfriend. She meant more than the mortgage payments and school payments and how her car needed a brake job. She meant more than the wine stain on the carpet or dinner in the oven. She meant it was okay. She understood him. She always had, even when he didn’t want her to, even when he didn’t understand himself. Olivia Benson she was not, but Olivia Benson was not Kathy Stabler.

Elliot hefted Eli into the air and headed toward the stairs. “Come on, kiddo. Let’s go talk about the importance of gun maintenance while we wash up.” Eli giggled and Kathy laughed and Elliot headed up the stairs to change and wash his hands.

Kathy was right. It was okay.

 _~fin~_


End file.
